Monday, March 14, 2011


It finally happened and I didn’t really think it would. When my mom was here a few weeks ago to care for us through our miscarriage, in her wisdom, she told me to go to the ocean one day to just be alone to think. I did, and as often happens, I fell asleep right when I got there!  When I woke up, I knew I needed to talk to God about my recent loss and start to process it, but it wasn’t really on my mind, not really bothering me at that moment, so we talked about something different. On my drive home I felt a little like, “shoot, that was my moment to process the miscarriage with God and I really didn’t have anything to say.”
     Today in church we were singing “Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna in the highest..” and I couldn’t hold back my tears. I immediately pictured my baby in heaven, surrounded by angels who were singing “hosanna” in the presence of Jesus. Now I don’t know if the little life we lost is up in heaven right now – we never really solved that debate in my ethics class in seminary – but I do know that in that moment in church I felt so far away from my baby and even though it was ok in the presence of God, I felt helpless and like my baby was abandoned without a Mommy up there. And a huge voice shouted in my head, “WHY?” It finally happened. I asked that big question that I know there is no answer to. The depths of my heart cried out in pain and fear, “WHY?” Why did this happen to me? Why did our pregnancy fail? Why did we get pregnant in the first place if we weren’t going to have a baby? Why?
     When my Doctor told me the news, she hugged me as I cried and I said, “it’s ok. Really, I’m ok. I knew something wasn’t right. It’s ok.” And her response was so perfect. Without hesitation she said, “it’s not ok Raeanne. It sucks. And it’s not ok.” She’s completely right. Yes, I have three beautiful children. But it’s not about them. It’s about the one that I’m missing. It’s about the questions I’ll always have – would we have had a boy or a girl? What would their name have been? How would my children have loved and played with a new sibling? Why?
     I’d like to wrap this up with a pretty bow of solid truth from Scripture that talks about the comfort of the Lord, His peace, or His hope; but the truth is that although the deepest part of me knows those things to be true, it still sucks and I’m wondering why?.


  1. My heart breaks with and for you. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now, but I FIRMLY believe that your little one is in the presence of God. God loves you so much- let him envelop you in His loving arms... rest in Him. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    "I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip - He who watches over you will not slumber;
    Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you
    The LORD is your shade at your right hand; The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
    The LORD will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; The LORD will watch over your coming and going Both now and forevermore.
    Psalm 121

  2. I read your post and felt heavy in my heart for you, blogger buddy! I'm so sorry for your loss and your grieving. Please allow yourself the grace that God has already poured out on you to go through this time. I'm sending up a prayer for you right now! <3

  3. Sometimes it is not the answer to the "Why?", but the process by which we arrive at a place where we can see God more clearly. Perhaps the answer is how you respond to the heartache.

    So sorry that there has to be a "why" to begin with.



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...