Give Thanks

My little dude had his Thanksgiving party at school this week.

I had lots of fun helping out and getting to know some of the other moms in his class.

 

Of course I pulled out the old Turkey Fruit Platter again!

 

And, I made a "must have" Thanksgiving dessert...

Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cake

Honestly, this is better than pumpkin pie!  That's right, you heard me!

Just make it and you'll be a believer too!

click on Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cake for the recipe
* I only used 1/2 box of powdered sugar for the filling

Tonight at dinner the girls were asking us all what we are most thankful for - they wanted to practice for Thanksgiving!
I said that I was most thankful that I'm feeling really well these days.
It's been a long, rough year and I feel like I've turned a corner with my anxiety battle.
It got much worse before it got better, but I hope that I'm on the other side.
I was very blessed that God brought a new therapist into my life at the end of September and she is a spirit filled woman who has the gift of discernment and told me with confidence that God would heal me from my anxiety.  She has spoken truth over me and been God's voice in some very dark times.  She also pointed me to a new acupuncturist and although he doesn't give me a full body massage after my treatment and end with snacks and hot tea, he is a man of God who prays over every patient every time and he too has been a gift from God (more on him later!).

I can honestly say that I'm thankful for the pain, suffering and darkness of this past year of my life, because in those dark, difficult places, I met Jesus and got to know Him like never before.
I'm thankful that I became completely dependent on Him for my every breath, "Lord, please keep me breathing deeply right now."  For my every step, "Lord, please help me to make it to the school to pick up the children."  For my every thought, "Lord, please hold every thought captive in obedience to you."  For my every waking moment, "Lord, please give me this moment my daily bread."
Give thanks to the Lord
for He is good
His love endures forever

As we move into Thanksgiving week (how is it already Thanksgiving?),
what are you most thankful for?

Meditation

There is rest amongst the chaos of life

 

On my journey with anxiety, I have started to go to acupuncture.  This is certainly something I never really thought I’d do in my life!  But my doctor suggested it as an alternative aid to ease stress and balance my nervous system and so on.  I called the woman she recommended and talked to her for quite some time.  I was nervous, not knowing hardly anything about it, and being a Christian, I wasn't sure if it was something that would work for me.  I had ideas of Buddhas everywhere, incense, and perhaps something spiritual that I wouldn’t agree with.  But after a long conversation, I felt peace about giving it a try and was assured that there would be nothing spiritual in my treatments.  My first appointment met my expectations – there were little Buddhas everywhere and incense!  But my time with the acupuncture therapist was amazing and she has been a great source of encouragement to me, a cheerleader if you will!  And she genuinely cares about my health and healing.  Plus who knew you get a full body massage after each treatment?!  It’s almost better than the spa (and it’s no Chinese Foot Massage!).  When I asked a dear, Spirit filled friend what she thought about me going to acupuncture and all the Buddhas everywhere and if I was entering into something that I shouldn’t, she reminded me, “they’re just statues”!  Very true.

One tool that I received in acupuncture was a Daily Breathing & Meditation Guide.  I modified some of the language to fit my life and it has been a wonderful tool to use to quiet all the noise swirling around me, focus my heart on the truth that God promises me, and live into the abundant life Jesus came to give me.  I wanted to share the meditation guide with you and encourage you to give it a try.  I can honestly say that when I’m sinking down, I get alone and go over this meditation for about 20 minutes and after I feel completely different!

 The Bible is full of people who meditated on God’s word.  Meditation is a spiritual discipline that we are all called to.  I’m just learning about it and I’ve loved using this tool to start that discipline in me.

Psalm 19:14
May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 49:3
My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the meditation of my heart will give you understanding.
Psalm 104:34
May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD.
Psalm 77:12
I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
Genesis 24:63
He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching.
Joshua 1:8
Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rhythmic Breathing:  INHALE to the count of 4, PAUSE & HOLD for 2 seconds, EXHALE to the count of 4, continue for at least 4 minutes.

 THEN, taking your awareness off of your breath, OBSERVE how that exercise made you feel.

 TUNE INSIDE, TAKING NOTE OF YOUR MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, PHYSICAL STATE.  Simply notice, being present for yourself without judgment.  Thank yourself for taking the time to listen.

 CLOSE YOUR EYES AND ACKNOWLEDGE to yourself that your health, how you feel physically, mentally, spiritually & emotionally is creating your life experience and your memories day by day.

AFFIRM that you are a valuable being, a child of God! And you’ve been promised the full inheritance of Christ.  Abundant life, life to the full, has been given to you through what Jesus did on the cross.  There is a full banquet table before you, filled with God’s promises and His equipping to give you victory in this day.  Affirm that abundant life in Jesus is not only possible, but available and attainable.  

ASK God to transform you by the renewing of your mind.  Ask His Holy Spirit within you to work to keep you focused on abundant life in Jesus.  Ask the Holy Spirit to help you release the root causes of your disease or discomfort through choices that support healing and abundant life.

 NOW ALLOW yourself to fully imagine in exquisite detail, the experience of vibrant health, ease and flow in your body, balance in your life, joy in your heart and abundant life in Jesus.  Continue for 2 minutes or more.  Acknowledge once more that this is what you’ve been promised and what you are working towards in your life.

 OPEN YOUR EYES AND STRETCH YOUR BODY.  Continue your day from this place of awareness of who God has made you to be and His promises.

 

I often end with the Lord's Prayer

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There is peace in the midst of the storms of life

 * Also, don't forget to enter the Trader Joe's give away!  Go here for details.

Right Hand

 

I know my blogging has been sporadic over the past month.  I had grand visions of a Fall kick-off with a new look for my blog - but that didn't happen.  Truth is, my battle with anxiety has flared up and now I"m getting fully armed for the fight.  I have friends battling breast cancer right now and suffering with grief over the loss of a child, so my fight with anxiety doesn't really seem to compare.  But it's not about comparing.  We're all in a battle of some sort in our lives - it's actually something Jesus promised us - that's why He gave us His armor to suit up with for the fight.  One of the weapons I've been adding to my arsenal is scripture.  I've been focuses on verses of peace, strength and thoughts. 

 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

 

When I read this I immediately thought of our breakfast picnic at the beach last week.  Of course everyone ended up in the water and Daddy Bear loves to swing the girls out over the water.  He holds them up with his strong right hand.

The image to me was clear that God loves us and holds us up when the raging waves of life crash beneath us.  He's strong enough to pick us up with one hand!

 

Rely on His strength today for whatever battle you're facing.  It doesn't matter if someoneelse's fight looks tougher than yours - God loves you the same and is strong enough to lift up all His children.

He Can Move The Mountains

We’ve enjoyed many beach days this summer.  This one particular morning I woke up to cloudy skies and knew it was yet another way of God telling me how much He loves me and that He’s got my back.  I don’t do well in the heat and going to the beach on a hot day with my littles can make me anxious.

 A dear friend joined us with her children.  As our littles played in the waves she shared with me a recent encounter she had with a missionary from India.  She was at a prayer meeting when this woman came up to her, and in her strongest Indian accent said, “I will move the mountains for you.  I will move the mountains.”  My friend has been going through some difficult transitions and circumstances of life and God was speaking right through this woman to her.  God would move these mountains in her life.

As she shared this with me, staring at the waves, tears began to stream down my face.  Throughout my struggle with anxiety, many have been kind to offer to take my children for a day so I could rest or bring us a meal or other thoughtful gestures.  Whereas I’m more than grateful for this love, I’ve felt that these offerings would be like taking a teaspoon to remove a mountain.  It just doesn’t make much of a difference because there is a huge mountain that will not go away with one day off. 

But as she spoke these words with force, “I will move the mountain for you.”  I was reminded – God moves mountains! Only God can.

On my days of being most overwhelmed with this fight against anxiety, this insurmountable mountain in my life, I am clinging to the promise that my God can move the mountains!  And this mountain of anxiety I’m on is no big challenge for my God.  He’s bigger.

No matter what you’re going through, no matter what mountains are ahead of you,

God can move the mountains!

 

Only God Can Make It Rain

We woke up Saturday morning to thunder and rain!  Something that is extremely rare in Southern California in the summer – but oh so fun!  I love the rain.  Some get sick of it, some get depressed, but I am filled with joy when it is cloudy and rains.  I hear God’s power in the thunder that shakes the earth.  I see God’s control and timing in when He chooses it to rain – like on a Saturday in August in Southern California.  And I see God’s amazing love for me because He knew I needed to see the rain on Saturday.

I had another anxiety attach last week.  I have been doing so well and although I feel like I’m holding off anxiety at arm’s length, I’m making progress and feeling more like myself.  That’s why Tuesday totally took me off guard.  I was taken to a new doctor who prescribed me a new medication and I had a horrible reaction to it.  After several days of taking the meds and feeling worse than my craziest moment, I started to feel totally hopeless.  Then it rained.

As I ran outside to watch the rain drops in the pool I heard God say, “Only I can make it rain Raeanne.  Only I can make it rain.” 

I felt like it was God’s love for me, telling me all was going to be ok and He would bring the rain in my life when I need it.  He is all powerful, more than doctors or medicines and He will bring the rain in my life when I need it.

And remember the verse my children memorized last week?

"The Lord Your God is with you.  He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet you with His love.  He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Oh how those words have repeated in my head over and over again these past few days. 

I am loved.

Saturday night the doctored ordered me to discontinue the medication – my body was not tolerating it.  I immediately felt a weight lifted off me and returned to “normal” within a few hours.  Now a new journey begins of what next?  But more and more I’m traveling with confidence that only God can make it rain and He will bring that rain exactly when I need it.

The Final Word

We’ve got one week left until my little ladies complete their first year of school!  I can’t believe it’s almost over.  It’s been a pretty rough year for this Moma.  I never knew Kindergarten could be so stressful… for a Mommy!!!  My eyes have been opened in huge ways.

There have been a lot of gifts this year as well.  One thing that I love is that our school is in our neighborhood and we get to walk to school!

I also love how much pride the little ladies have in their school.  They we so excited to get all dressed up for open house and show their little brother around their school.  It really is wonderful to see these little people grow up!

I’ve been struggling with some anxiety again this week.  I woke up the other morning with my heart racing and feeling sick to my stomach.  It was 5:22am.  A few weeks back I really felt God drawing me in closer to Him and making it clear to me that now, more than ever, I need to be spending time alone with Him and the only way that was going to happen would be early in the morning, before anyone was awake.  It’s been amazing how several times a week He wakes me up around 5am to get alone with Him. 

I got up and sat in front of the sliding glass door in our play room.  As I looked outside at the dimly lit morning, I began to pray.  I’ve been really stressed out about school next year (I know, one year at a time!).  I’ve been concerned about who my girls will be placed with as we’ve had some difficult personalities in our class this year.  I’ve struggled with things other children have said to my girls, they way they’ve been treated, and some things they’ve learned that I wish they hadn’t.  Through my tears in the early morning I felt like God gently told me that He has the final word in my children’s lives, not the influence of other children at school.  I’ve been giving some of these children more power than they deserve rather than trusting God more with my children and His power over them.

It was another phenomenal moment of peace flooding over me.  I’m so grateful that God woke me up to remind me that He has the final word in this life and not the sin that surrounds us in this world. 

“In this world you WILL have trouble.  But take heart.  I have overcome the world!” 

Thank you Jesus for that promise and truth.

Amen.

Have a great weekend!

A New Life - Medication

One thing I haven’t written about in regards to my anxiety disorder is medication.  Initially when I met with my physician, she gave me several great alternative tools to deal with the anxiety.  For me, a huge part of this is changing my life style and thinking in many ways.  Having more balance in my life, learning to relax consistently, and “dialing it down a bit” in all areas.  It wasn’t until my severe break down at Christmas that I was prescribed drugs to calm me down.  I was so terrified and desperate for help.  It was Christmas night and we couldn’t get a hold of our doctors to save my life!  We even tried my OBGYN!  We just needed someone to prescribe me something to stop this nightmare.  It wasn’t until the next day at 2pm that we finally talked to a doctor that prescribed me Xanex.  I was so scared of what that might do to me.  I kept telling my husband, “tell him I’m small.  Tell him I want the lowest dosage.”  I was afraid that one pill would put me to sleep for a few days (which I probably needed!) and that thought scared me.  When I finally got the pills, I was very hesitant to take one, but per my husband’s insisting, I did.  I didn’t fall asleep.  I didn’t turn into jello.  I didn’t feel wonderful either! 

But I did mellow out enough to go sit with the family for the rest of the day.

 When we returned home after the holidays and met with my physician again, she told me that right now I must keep the Xanax on me at all times.  I am not to go out without the medication.  For now it is a tool for me and I am to take it when I need it.  These words were like a death sentence to me.  Not leave my house without drugs?  What?  I didn’t want to tell anyone because I kept thinking, “what parent is going to let their child come play at our house with an unstable mother who must have pills in her pocket at all times?”  It was horrible.  It almost became one more thing to panic about!  “Wait, I have to go back and get my pills.”  Thankfully I didn’t need to take them again, even though there were times when I could have and perhaps should have, I just didn’t feel comfortable taking them.  My body is pretty sensitive to medicine and regardless of other’s experience with Xanax, I wasn’t confident of how my body would uniquely react.   (Sadly, this was just a huge lack of understanding of this medication and the effects it would have on my body.)

 As I wrote about last week, things have been going well and as I’ve seen progress being made, I’ve also been leery of slipping back into my old ways and falling back into an unhealthy lifestyle.  If you’ve been reading here for a few months, you know that I’ve been working on my daughters’ birthday party – something that I dream about for months and love to create!  I’ve learned to start my projects early and not leave things to the last minute so stress is kept to a minimum.  I thought I had done a good job of this for the Rainbow Tea Party.  I really have been crafting up a storm for the past few weeks.  But come Saturday, I was racing around to put it all together (with the fabulous help of my parents and the little birthday girls!) and as I watched the clock move too quickly, I started to feel myself getting worked up.  The party was at 1:30pm, and at 1pm I went to get ready.  As I sat down at my vanity I felt a wave of anxiety come over me.  “No, not now, I don’t want to miss this.  I can’t miss this.”  My mind started racing with all the details of the party and as I prayed and begged God to set me free I got up and found my pills.  This party was so important to me and my girls that I just couldn’t miss it.  I got my husband, explained what was happening, and took a pill.  He prayed for me, I asked my mom to pray for me and just pushed through, trusting that everything was going to work out.  As guests started to arrive, I was not 100 %, but when my girlfriend dropped off her daughter, I pulled her aside and asked her to pray for me.  She laid her hands on me and prayed over me.  I went back inside and we had the most wonderful, colorful, fancy, precious birthday party.  I’m grateful for that little pill that helped stop my chaos.  But most of all, I’m grateful for the power of the Holy Spirit at work within me and for the body of Christ that held me up in prayer.  My friend Hillary prayed for me throughout the party and it was so awesome to see her after the party with a huge smile on my face and peace in my heart – both physically and spiritually.  I know it blessed her too to see that God answered her prayers and allowed me to enjoy my girls’ special day.

 It’s hard for me to write this.  Even now as I know I’m going to do a Birthday Party post later this week, I’m afraid of what you might think of me as you look at the pictures of the party, “oh yea, she had to take medication before that party.”  I’m nervous for the moms who had daughters at the party to read this!  I feel a little bit like a failure.  I know I shouldn’t, but I’m embarrassed and feel weak at admitting such a huge struggle I have.  Adding the medication fact to the story only seems to make me look worse.  It’s really hard for me to admit that I don’t have it all together.  Not that I think it is important to “have it all together,” but honestly, as a follower of Jesus I truly believe that His promises to us are our inheritance and we can claim those promises and the power that is freely ours through Jesus.  So why then am I struggling with anxiety when I’ve given Him full control of my life?  Why am I stressed about things and consumed by them when I know the Prince of Peace gives peace, not as the world gives, but the peace of God to guard my heart and mind?

 On the other hand, I know it is important for me to share this story honestly.  I know that while I laid on that bed on Christmas, losing my mind, God spoke to me and said, “you will share this story and others will be healed because of it.”  I know God can completely heal me from this anxiety.  Just like I know that Jesus could have come down off the cross and saved himself – he totally had the power to do that!  But God had another plan.  A plan that included extreme suffering of his son and a plan that included extreme freedom for his daughter – me.  I would never say that God is causing my anxiety for a reason.  But I would say that God is using my anxiety for a reason and he is redeeming what is being taken from me.  For this season of my life, and I pray that it is just a season, I will keep the medication in my purse at all times and see it as a mere tool if I need it.  And I pray that I don’t.

*This will be my last post in the "A New Life" series. 
I'll give updates from time to time.  Thank you for your prayers and encouragement through this series.  I hope that in some way God has spoken to you through it.

A New Life - Don't Forget In The Light What You Heard In The Dark

Have you heard this phrase, “Don’t forget in the dark what you heard in the light?”  It’s a beautiful reminder to hold fast to what God has spoken to us when our doubts creep in and things get tough.  Lately I’ve adopted the opposite phrase, “Don’t forget in the light what God spoke in the dark.”  During the most sever points of my struggle with anxiety I feel like God spoke the loudest.  In the midst of physical pain and mental agony, I felt very close to God and knew His Spirit was at work within me.  I’m grateful to say that the past few months have been much better.  Although I’ve held off the anxiety at arms length, I can see some serious growth.  But already my intense pursuit of God and His purpose has started to slightly fade.  I don’t want the depth of relationship with my God to lessen now that I’m feeling better.  Now that I’m in the light, I don’t want to forget the powerful things he spoke to me in the darkness.

 It’s easy to turn to God in the midst of a crisis.  And it is easy to distance ourselves when life is going along rather well.  What must that make God feel like?

 I’m know that a panic attack can hit me at any given moment without warning.  In the same way, I know that the Enemy is alive and crafty and seeks my demise and can strike at any given moment and blindside me.  I must be alert and awake.  I must keep my eyes focused on Jesus when life is tough and when it is not.  My relationship with God is much more than desperation when I am in great need.  It is a deep love and passion to bring glory to Him with my life.

 I am grateful that God is teaching me to live life in a new way.  I am grateful that He has helped me let go of a lot of control.  I am grateful that I have been feeling much better.  I am grateful that He is my hope.  I don’t want to forget in the light what He spoke to me in the darkness.

A New Life - Lock-In

I was working in Seattle when Roger asked me to marry him.  He was working and living in Sacramento at the time, so obviously someone was going to have to quit their job when we got married so we could live in the same state!  In the first few months of our engagement, this decision caused a lot of stress and arguments.  My boss said, “You’re going to continue to lock-up until you lock-in.”  (Feel free to use that quote, it’s a good one!)  He was so right.  Until we locked into our decision that I would quit my job and move back to California, we locked horns several times over this issue.

 This same quote came up in one of my initial therapy sessions.  Along with seeing a therapist for my anxiety disorder, I was pursuing an allergist to see if perhaps I have some food allergies that are contributing to my digestive discomforts.  One day my therapist said that he wasn’t sure if I had fully embraced that I have an anxiety disorder.  He affirmed my desire to consider additional contributing factors to my discomfort, but was rather confident that I hadn’t yet fully owned this new reality in my life.  He insinuated that until I fully owned an anxiety disorder, I would not be able to move on.  I would continue to lock-up until I locked-in!

 I got in my car and said out loud, “I have an anxiety disorder.”  I went home and told my husband that I have an anxiety disorder and I’m fully embracing it.  The following week in my session I told my therapist that I’ve put on hold pursuing other doctors for a few months and I’m completely owning this anxiety disorder.  He gave me a high 5!

 I guess they say admitting you have a problem is the first step – it’s kinda true!  Once I owned this anxiety disorder and stopped trying to find something else to blame for my discomfort and panic attacks, I felt a huge sense of relief and freedom.  You can’t really tackle the problem until you name it completely.  There are so many areas of my life that I try to explain away or find excuses to justify my feelings or behavior, but that just takes me in circles.  But once I lock-in to the truth, I’m set free.

 I’m locked-in, I have an anxiety disorder.  When I start to get a stomach ache or feel sick, I am not looking to what I ate as an explanation.  I call it what it is, stare it in the face, and get over it.

 The enemy loves to distort the truth.  He loves to send us on a wild goose chase that keeps us looking everywhere except the truth.  He is crafty.  He is deceptive.  He knows our weakness and makes it his goal to keep us confounded and distracted so that we never really find strength and freedom over our weaknesses.  But it is amazing how quickly his power fades when we call things as they are, lock-in to the truth, and find freedom.

A New Life - Heal Me

Remember when my family got ravaged by the stomach flu?  It was dreadful.  I was spared, for one week, then I got it too.  As I was laying in bed horribly sick, I couldn’t stop praying that God would heal me, and heal me quickly.  I felt so physically horrible and after the past several months of feeling sick with anxiety, I didn’t need the stomach flu on top of it.

 At one point, I got down on my knees and began crying, asking God to take away the sickness.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  In that moment a question came to my mind, “why are you praying for healing?”  Aside from the obvious reason, I didn’t know!  I guess none of us like to feel discomfort, especially extreme discomfort that comes with the stomach flu, so why wouldn’t we pray to be healed quickly?  But that question sat with me for a bit and I was reminded of Laura Story’s song, Blessings.  I posted it here regarding my miscarriage.  I was struck by that song that my life isn’t about eliminating all pain and seeking my pleasure.  My life is about Jesus and bringing him glory.  Sometimes He is glorified through our pain and suffering.  Not a comfortable topic to approach in a world that strives for comfort, pleasure and happiness at all cost.

 As I was down on my knees, God brought to mind my desperate plea for healing over my anxiety disorder.  In the past several months I’ve prayed that God would restore me to my “old life” where I felt freedom and wasn’t afraid of anything.  I just want to be healed and I want my life back!  But in the midst of the stomach flu, down on the floor, I felt like God told me to stop praying for healing over my anxiety.  It would be through this very thing that God would be glorified in me.  It would be through my struggle with anxiety that God would refine me, grow me, prune me, and bring me to a place of intimacy with Him that I’ve never experienced before.  Don’t pray for quick healing – you’ll miss out on the amazing work of My hand in your life, and even more, you’ll miss out on the blessings that are waiting on the other side of this if you don’t go through it.

 It’s no coincidence that I’ve been doing a study of the book of John this year.  If you’ve never read the book of John in it’s entirety, please sit down and do so – it will transform your life!  We’ve recently studied two instances where Jesus healed people.  In chapter 9 Jesus came to a blind man and the disciples began asking was it his sin or his parent’s sin that made the man blind.  Jesus replied “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”  When I read this I had immediate peace that God was going to do a great work in me through my anxiety and it would be for His glory.  Of course Jesus heals this man and the one once born blind now can see.

 In John 11 Jesus does the most miraculous thing, he raises Lazarus from the dead.

¹ Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. ² (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) ³ So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

⁴ When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”

What is amazing is that once Jesus hears of Lazarus being sick, he waits 2 more days before he starts to travel to him.  Once Jesus arrives, Lazarus has been dead for about 4 days!  Jesus could have simply spoken healing, like he did to the official about his sick son in chapter 4, and he could have been healed without Jesus even going to him.  But there was a reason why Jesus did not heal Lazarus immediately.  “It is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”

 I know that God has the power to completely heal me from my anxiety disorder forever, and trust me, I’d love that!  But for now, I’m letting go of my desperate plea for healing and welcoming this anxiety as the very tool of God to make me who He wants me to be for His glory.

A New Life - Giving Back The Children

“Lord, I pray for Emmie. She is yours Lord and…”

“REALLY?”

“All my children belong to you Lord, they are yours…”

“REALLY? They used to be.”

As I drove in the car and had this conversation with the Lord, He was gracious and kind to gently point out to me something so powerful that is destructive bondage in my life. Holding tightly to my children. I was raised by a mother who often said that we belonged to God, not to her. When my babies were in the NICU for 4 weeks after they were born, I constantly was comforted by the fact that God loved them more than I did and they ultimately belonged to Him, so He would take care of them. The sheer overwhelming fact of having a newborn baby, times two!, often thrust me to my knees, laying those babies down at the feet of Jesus and handing them over. But somewhere, over the past 2-3 years, I’ve taken those babies back into my arms and have begun to hold them very tightly.

I have felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility for my children’s well being and health and it has gotten to the point where I am completely consumed by their sleep schedule and what they eat. I quickly realized in the car how my mind is constantly bound to the clock and how I can schedule my day so that my son naps at 1pm, the children eat at 5pm and they are all in bed at 7pm – and I mean literally. I know how important sleep is to little people and I know how they get run down and sick if they don’t get their sleep, not to mention their attitudes. I start to stress out if it’s 7:05pm and they are not in bed yet. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’m being honest. I have become completely consumed by their schedule and keeping it exact at all costs. This has been a huge source of stress and anxiety in my life. I didn’t know that until this moment in the car.

I feel the same weight of responsibility for what my children eat. Another area in my life that has become chains that keep me stressed and filled with anxiety. I feel that children are not old enough to make wise choices with their food and it’s my responsibility as their mother, and the person who buys the food and cooks, to give them the best possible nutrition that I can. Seems normal right? Every good mom does that! But for me it has become obsessive and another thing that dominates my mind. I freaked out the first time my mother watched my children and took them to McDonalds. Now let me make a quick disclaimer – I eat at Mc Donalds every now and again and I have a horrible sweet tooth, but I justify it by saying that I am an adult and if I choose to make bad choices, I’m old enough to do so. (Foolish, I know) I don’t think children are old enough or wise enough to choose their foods on a daily basis… but Mc Donalds here and there is not going to kill them.

I know in my heart of hearts that going to bed a half hour late or having less than nutritious snacks are not going to kill my children or make them sick. I know that. But I can’t shut off my mind from racing about these things and the guilt that comes with late nights or junk food for the kids. But God showed me that I am way too controlling over my children in these areas and I need to let go. I need to have a complete change of thinking and just relax about my littles and find freedom in doing the best that I can, but not being consumed in an unhealthy way about their sleep and what they eat.  I also have been known to make harsh comments to my husband if he puts the children to bed late or takes them to dinner at a place I don't approve of.  Rather than being grateful for a husband who gives me a break and cares for the children, I'm consumed by what they ate and when they were in bed.  It's like a sickness.

Anxiety is a lot about control. If I cannot control something, I get anxious. God showed me that a large source of my anxiety comes from trying to control my children. Thank you God for loving me enough to kindly point this out to me and convict me. Thank you for loving me enough that you want true freedom for me and an abundant life. Thank you for breaking the chains that have shackled me to a lie – I do not control my children! They are not mine, they are yours. I give them back.

Last week I took my kids to Mc Donalds. My husband is out of town, I didn’t have any food in the house, and I let them choose. “Let’s go to Old Mac Donald’s Mommy.” I said ok and took them without an ounce of guilt. I felt complete freedom as we sat and ate the best French fries in the world!  And I felt much better knowing that we all were consuming "Fancy Ketchup," - it must be good for us if it's fancy!

My strict adherence to a schedule and diet cannot create happy, healthy children. It’s only created a stressed out, guilt laced mother and we all know what happens when Moma isn’t happy! No one is happy! As a mother of 3 little children and a follower of Jesus, I’ll do my best and be wise with raising my children, but my only strict adherence will be to Jesus and His word.

*I want to thank so many of you for your e-mails, facebook messages and comments about this series about my anxiety disorder.  I have been so encouraged by your words and your prayers. 

A New Life - Hope

I never expected any of this to be part of my story. I still can’t really even believe it as I share it. I remember when we miscarried our fourth baby last year and I could never wrap my head around that reality for my life and our family. I still can’t. This Anxiety Disorder that I now claim as part of my life is just one more of those things that has been totally out of my control.

After I initially met with my doctor who assured me and promised to run every test possible, we were 2 weeks away from Christmas and the plan was for me to drive 5 hours north with the children to my parents’ house for the holidays. Everyone was concerned about me driving alone with the children, but I was fine. The day we left everything was on schedule and the kids were thrilled for their road trip. About 2 hours from home everything was going well, kids quietly watching a movie, mountains to my right, ocean to my left and no traffic. Then, out of no where, it hit me. An anxiety attack invaded my body and I had no where to pull over as the shoulder was closed for construction and the next exit was 17 miles away. I was sweating, sick to my stomach and terrified for my children. By the grace of God I made it those 17 miles to stop and use the bathroom. I was shaking, crying and completely lost at what to do. Should I turn back? That would be 2 hours. Do I continue up North? That would be about 3 hours. I was stuck and prayed for wisdom and discernment but felt like none came. I finally decided to keep driving and called my folks and asked them to start driving to meet me. I was calming down, but the scary part was I didn’t know what might happen 10 miles down the road. My anxiety attacks hit without warning and always seem unprovoked. I had to protect my littles and make sure someone else was with us in case I was unable to care for them.

We made it to my parents’ house and the biggest Christmas tree the children had ever seen and all the festivities erased that traumatic car ride. We celebrated my father’s birthday and had a fun few days before Christmas. My husband flew in Christmas morning and we had fun tearing into presents.

That afternoon family friends were arriving for Christmas dinner. I showered, curled my hair and put on my black silk dress for dinner. As I sat catching up with an old friend I started to not feel well and excused myself. Once I made it back to my bedroom I was a mess. I could barely breathe, I felt weak and I couldn’t stop crying. What I felt next was something I’ve never experienced before and hope never to again. I literally felt like I was one breath away from going completely blank. I had no control over my mind and could not hold one thought captive. I knew I was about to fade away mentally and spend the rest of my life in an institution, unable to care for myself. I felt like I was chasing myself down a long hallway screaming, “NO. STOP. PLEASE STOP.” But I couldn’t catch up and was completely out of control. Literally. I was on the floor begging my husband to take me to the hospital. I desperately wanted someone to help me. He immediately said, “let’s go.” And I said, “no.” I couldn’t handle a car ride let alone a hospital waiting room. I don’t really know what happened after that except that my mom came in and sat next to me on the bed with a peaceful smile and rubbed my legs and told me that everything was going to be fine. All the guests were asked to leave and that didn’t phase me - that’s how out of my mind I was! Christmas dinner was canceled because of me and I barely batted an eyelash at the thought.

As I laid in bed with shallow breaths and lots of tears, God spoke to me. He said that I would share this story and others would be healed because of it. God gave me hope. If I were to share this story, than that meant I would come out on the other side still standing. I couldn’t possibly see how in that moment, but I was going to hold fast to God’s words.

So much of this anxiety disorder got revved up right after I decided to be obedient to God and follow my passion to speak publicly. I posted back in November that I had decided to follow God’s leading to start pursuing a speaking ministry. I didn’t know what that would look like now that I was no longer serving in a church where speaking opportunities were everywhere. I only knew that God had placed a longing in my heart and a passion in my belly to share His love and His word with an audience. It was just after I got the courage to post my dream publicly that my sickness took on new proportions that rendered me incapacitated. I could barely leave the house and sat one day crying with my husband saying, “there is no way I could ever speak at a conference in Ohio. I would be having a nervous breakdown in the hotel alone.” I felt like I would never travel again and the dreams of a speaking ministry might mean something local – very local! But my husband looked at me, without hesitation or fear, and said that he knew God made me for bigger things and this was not the end. With confidence he said that I was going to get through this and I would travel and live my dream. He holds out great hope for me.

In the midst of great suffering, there is hope for those who hold fast to Jesus. He is my hope for strength in the midst of fear, peace in the middle of chaos, joy in the company of sorrow, and ultimately life in the presence of death. I know that my momentary struggles are nothing compared to his suffering on the cross, yet the power that raised Him from the dead is the same power that dwells in me. I have hope. I have been assured by my therapist that I have a permanent membership in the high anxiety club. I will not be cured from this, but I will learn how to get through it. Part of this new life that I’m discovering now incorporates a permanent thorn that drives me to hold fast to the hope of Christ everyday.

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Seems odd to transition into a fun date night idea! But as part of the Intentional Marriage series I promised to throw out a date challenge on the first Monday of every month and here we are – the first Monday of March! Go here to check out the details of the Make Out Monday challenge.

A Sweet Treat

This month the challenge is to go on a date for a sweet treat.

I decided to have our date in our new playroom  for a fun change of scenery!

(before and after pics of the playroom will be coming soon!)

I laid out my vintage California table cloth on the table to spark some fun conversation (my husband has lived all over the state and has fun stories to share from many cities and towns).

And I made some yummy ice cream sundaes.

Candles added a little romance!

And let me tell you what added the magic to the sundaes… Good old Trader Joe’s did it again with Toasted Coconut Cookie Thins and Fleur de Sel Caramel Sauce. Back off! This was SO good!

Now go out and create a fun sweet treat date with someone special.

 You have a whole month to make it happen – ready, set, GO!
*If you want to share about your fun date this month, leave a comment here

A New Life - It's No Longer Working For You

I want to share this journey with you and all that God is teaching me as I learn to live life in a new way after falling victim to the pressures of our society and myself.

Every Monday I will share a new part of this journey.

I pray that you will be challenged and encouraged through it.

As I sat in that cold, sterile room at the doctor’s office waiting for my test results I was nervous and scared. I hadn’t felt well for quite some time and just had no idea what my blood results would reveal. As the physician came in, my heart started pounding.

“Everything looks fine.”

Really?

How can this be?

How can I feel so horrible and have nothing wrong with me?

I was slightly relieved, but more confused and frustrated. “Raeanne, you’re someone who has always done everything and you’ve done it very well. Am I right?” She looked to my husband who nodded.

“They way you’ve been living your life is no longer working for you.”

What?

I like my life and I think I live it rather well!

What does this mean?

She went on to explain that stress and anxiety were plaguing my body and whereas I’ve probably been battling this for many years, my physical body is finally giving out and can no longer hold up under the pressures of life. She said that I would need to learn to live life in a whole new way. With a smile on her face, she encouraged me by saying this was a positive thing and once I’ve been reprogrammed, I would have a rich life – better than it has ever been. Sounds like a great prognosis, but I sat in tears, trembling, scared and completely lost in her vague words.

“Learn to live life in a whole new way”

– what in the universe does that mean?

She said we would need to sit down and come up with a plan for my new life that should include a good therapist, yoga, some good vitamins and perhaps some neurofeedback therapy. Again, this all sounded so lofty and vague and seemed to have nothing to do with the constant discomfort I’d had for months, daily digestive problems, head aches, lack of energy, a physical hollowness and other things I never found the words to explain.

About 4 months earlier we were in Yosemite as a family for a little vacation. Our first night I was woken up by my 2 year old son who was crying and for some reason my heart started pounding, I immediately felt sick to my stomach and I never recovered all night. He finally calmed down and went back to sleep, but I laid on the floor, shaking, sweating and feeling sick all night. I kept telling myself, “You’re alright.” I had absolutely nothing to fear or worry about, so why was I having a major panic attack? This wasn’t the first time this had happened to me. It would happen again on a smaller scale 2 months later and after feeling sick everyday for a month in inexplicable ways, I finally decided to call a doctor. I was convinced that the sickness and discomfort I was feeling daily was something serious because I had never felt that way before.

God blessed me with an amazing physician who is gentle and kind and very knowledgeable about women’s health. God also blessed me with an amazing mother who had the wisdom and insight to e-mail me a list of things to share with my doctor before I met with her for the first time. My mom re-capped my year in bullet points and thought it important to share with my doctor that I had lost a baby through a miscarriage, my 2 daughters started kindergarten, my husband received a promotion that meant I am a single mother 3-4 days a week, and one of my dearest friends, my closest sister in Christ, was moving a few thousand miles away. As I shared this list with my doctor, bawling like I never have before, she interrupted me and quietly said,

“oh Raeanne, you’re going to be fine.”

Something that my doctor had said to me was that unfortunately she sees this all the time, especially in moms. That really struck me. That is one of the reasons why I decided to share my journey on my blog. She promised that she was going to run every test possible to rule out anything organic, but she thought that stress was playing a huge role in my constant sickness.

“I want you to learn a new habit.

Try saying, ‘I trust you, Jesus’ in response to whatever happens to you.

If there is time, think about who I am in all My power and glory; ponder also the depth and breadth of My love for you.”

Jesus Calling – January 4th

This little devotional is amazing and powerful.

It has spoken to me so much during this season of learning to live in a new way.

My blood work was done a week before Christmas and I would receive the results after the holidays. I had no idea that the worst was yet to come.