I want to share this journey with you and all that God is teaching me as I learn to live life in a new way after falling victim to the pressures of our society and myself.
“Everything looks fine.”
How can this be?
How can I feel so horrible and have nothing wrong with me?
I was slightly relieved, but more confused and frustrated. “Raeanne, you’re someone who has always done everything and you’ve done it very well. Am I right?” She looked to my husband who nodded.
“They way you’ve been living your life is no longer working for you.”
I like my life and I think I live it rather well!
What does this mean?
She went on to explain that stress and anxiety were plaguing my body and whereas I’ve probably been battling this for many years, my physical body is finally giving out and can no longer hold up under the pressures of life. She said that I would need to learn to live life in a whole new way. With a smile on her face, she encouraged me by saying this was a positive thing and once I’ve been reprogrammed, I would have a rich life – better than it has ever been. Sounds like a great prognosis, but I sat in tears, trembling, scared and completely lost in her vague words.
“Learn to live life in a whole new way”
– what in the universe does that mean?She said we would need to sit down and come up with a plan for my new life that should include a good therapist, yoga, some good vitamins and perhaps some neurofeedback therapy. Again, this all sounded so lofty and vague and seemed to have nothing to do with the constant discomfort I’d had for months, daily digestive problems, head aches, lack of energy, a physical hollowness and other things I never found the words to explain.
About 4 months earlier we were in Yosemite as a family for a little vacation. Our first night I was woken up by my 2 year old son who was crying and for some reason my heart started pounding, I immediately felt sick to my stomach and I never recovered all night. He finally calmed down and went back to sleep, but I laid on the floor, shaking, sweating and feeling sick all night. I kept telling myself, “You’re alright.” I had absolutely nothing to fear or worry about, so why was I having a major panic attack? This wasn’t the first time this had happened to me. It would happen again on a smaller scale 2 months later and after feeling sick everyday for a month in inexplicable ways, I finally decided to call a doctor. I was convinced that the sickness and discomfort I was feeling daily was something serious because I had never felt that way before.
God blessed me with an amazing physician who is gentle and kind and very knowledgeable about women’s health. God also blessed me with an amazing mother who had the wisdom and insight to e-mail me a list of things to share with my doctor before I met with her for the first time. My mom re-capped my year in bullet points and thought it important to share with my doctor that I had lost a baby through a miscarriage, my 2 daughters started kindergarten, my husband received a promotion that meant I am a single mother 3-4 days a week, and one of my dearest friends, my closest sister in Christ, was moving a few thousand miles away. As I shared this list with my doctor, bawling like I never have before, she interrupted me and quietly said,
“oh Raeanne, you’re going to be fine.”Something that my doctor had said to me was that unfortunately she sees this all the time, especially in moms. That really struck me. That is one of the reasons why I decided to share my journey on my blog. She promised that she was going to run every test possible to rule out anything organic, but she thought that stress was playing a huge role in my constant sickness.
“I want you to learn a new habit.
Try saying, ‘I trust you, Jesus’ in response to whatever happens to you.
If there is time, think about who I am in all My power and glory; ponder also the depth and breadth of My love for you.”
Jesus Calling – January 4th
This little devotional is amazing and powerful.
It has spoken to me so much during this season of learning to live in a new way.
My blood work was done a week before Christmas and I would receive the results after the holidays. I had no idea that the worst was yet to come.