Give Thanks = Content

Our pastor has being doing a wonderful series called Change of Heart, examining the conditions of the heart - the hungry heart, lonely heart, prideful heart...

Yesterday he talked about the suffering heart.

There was something about the morning that was different.

There was a thick presence in the air.

Perhaps it was my new fun haircut!  Or perhaps it was the Holy Spirit.

As the music played I found myself fighting back tears - not totally uncommon for me! 

 But this felt different, like a wave was about to crash over me and no matter how fast I tried to turn and run, I would not escape the enveloping water.

"Blessed be your name,

in the land that is plentiful,

where streams of abundance flow,

Blessed be your name."

 

We began to sing what has already become an "oldie but a goodie,"

and I could hear the roar of that wave getting closer to me.

 

"Blessed be your name,

when I'm found in the desert place,

though I walk through the wilderness,

Blessed be your name."

"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise.

When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Blessed be your name."

 

After reading Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts, I've learned to apply this truth in my own life,

whether blessing or darkness, give thanks and bless the Lord.  It truly is one of the great keys to being content (my word for 2015).  Cultivating a grateful heart also grows a content heart.

And as the refrain approached, so did that tidal wave.

 

"You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be your name."

 

Not just teary eyes, but the "oh my word, I'm about to shake and perhaps snort with weeping," realization hit me as fast and hard as a crashing wave and there I was, cute new haircut and all, using every dry finger to wipe my eyes as tears fell more quickly than I could catch.  I knew my running mascara had now radically transformed my look!

 

And in a moment I was right back in that car in front of my doctor's office, almost 4 years and a month ago to the day, tears falling like rain with the realization that the hopes of our 4th baby were gone.  Where there once was a heart beat, there now was none.

As I wept in my car with the news, I racked my brain, trying to find answers and questioning what I had done to make this happen.

I heard God speak the words of this song, truly the words of His own in scripture,

 "I am the giver of life and I give and take away, blessed be My name."

I found great comfort in those words.

I also found a great challenge in them.

Can I bless God when He takes away?

Will my heart choose to give thanks and bless the Lord in my loss?

 

I was caught totally off-guard at church yesterday as I sobbed.

Just when you think you've moved past a loss, the grief hits you at very

unexpected times, even 4 years later.

But as I cried and sang those words, I found a strength rising up within me as I declared,

"My heart will choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord."

 

Yes, I will be content in all things because I am choosing to give thanks and bless the Lord in the good and in the bad.

 

God's love crashed over me yesterday and I'm so grateful that I could not out-run that wave.

Messy cry and all.

He reminded me that true contentment comes when I choose to have a heart of gratitude

and bless Him at all times.

His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

 



It Wouldn't Be Perfect

I was doing pretty well all summer, but as what would have been my due date approached, I was a mess again. I kept counting down thinking, “in one more month I would have had a tiny new baby,” then, “in one more week I would have been able to kiss those tiny toes,” and so on. One day I sat and cried with a friend, sharing how perfect the timing would have been to have a new baby in our family in September, “the girls are just starting school, so I’d only have Mack home with the new baby. The girls are so baby crazy right now, how lovely would it be to give them their own real life baby doll to play with?! I’ve always had vision for Macky to grow to be a great leader and I’ve always felt that he should have a younger sibling to lead. It would have been so perfect to head into fall and winter with a new baby to keep cozy, instead of having them in the heat of the summer. How much fun would it have been to have a newborn at Christmas? But if I were to get pregnant now – “ my girlfriend interrupted me. She finished my sentence and said, “it wouldn’t be perfect.” I quickly looked at her, shocked, because she said exactly what I was feeling and I don’t think anyone has said anything so comforting to me throughout this whole miscarriage thing. Most people desperately want to say something to stop the tears, bring hope, or remind me of the blessings I have. But rarely does someone, from the start, “sit in the pit” with you and totally agreed with your pain and not try to explain it away or remove it, but simply confirms it and validates the gut wrenching feelings that rear their ugly head at the most unexpected of times. We both agreed that we don’t think God had something to do with this, or that it was part of his plan or whatever. But that we live in an imperfect world where sometimes “life” just happens. I’ve been surprised at how many posts I’ve recently read by women who’ve lost babies in the past few weeks and months. It’s a club I never wanted to join and don’t wish for anymore to.

          I guess the beauty in the character of God is that he is Redeemer and Restorer and Healer and he makes all things new. I confess that I’m still waiting for all those things in this area of my life. But I am confident that in his timing they will flood over me, they have to, it would go against his nature if they don’t.

Mercies In Disguise

I heard this song for the first time on Sunday and I sobbed through the whole song. The lyrics are so powerful and through the year we've had thus far, I felt like this song was God whispering some answers to me. I was reminded once again that my life as a follower of Jesus is not my own. I do not exist to create the most pleasurable, perfect, happy, fulfilled life that I can while on earth. I exist to bring glory to God, to worship Him and be made more into His image every day. My life is not really about me. It’s about Jesus. The trials, the loss, the frustration, the disappointment – what if they are mercies in disguise?

“What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy”

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ,

if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

Romans 8:17

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home,

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Embrace The Desert

My husband and I just went on a little get-away to Las Vegas.  We had a wonderful time touring through the culinary wonderland (Hubert Keller is a Master!), seeing Lion King and enjoying our fabulous room.  At the end of our trip we drove out to Red Rock Canyon and experienced the opposite of The Strip.  It was beyond silent and peaceful.

 Yes, he really is that strong!

My husband kept saying over and over again how beautiful it was in the desert.  I have to admit, I found it interesting and pretty for a little while, but the desert is not my kind of "beauty."  I much prefer the forest, lush green hills, or ocean.  I just didn't find the landscape that "beautiful."

When we returned home from the desert, circumstances placed us back on a path to walk through one of life's deserts and this time I think I'm going to be forced to sit awhile until I truly find the beauty in it.

"Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert." Nehemiah 9:19

Praise God that we are not alone in the desert.

Forever Changed

It probably goes without saying that after last week my life is forever changed; but, after last week, my life is forever changed! I’m looking at life and my children through a totally different lens. I think my lens had become scratched, blurred, dirty, and tainted. But after our miscarriage, I feel like my lens is totally clear and giving proper perspective to life and family. I confess that I’ve become hurried and frustrated, annoyed and perhaps a little bitter. Why? Well, I’m still processing that, but I’ve seen myself slipping away and I haven’t liked it. It seems as though I’m just living on the surface of life, trying to get through everything too quickly. I never used to be this way. I was always someone who sucked every ounce out of life and enjoyed every moment. Having children slowed me down even more, but in the past 2 years, the speed has accelerated and in my haste I’ve become impatient, short, and exasperated all too often. I’ve been conflicted as I see my children hitting major milestones – not wanting them to grow up too quickly – yet when 7pm hits, I want them in bed immediately with no popping up and games. I can’t wait one more moment as they “need to tell me one more thing” before getting in the car to leave for school. I can’t stop one more time for them to pick up a stick or dirt, turning our 10 minute walk into an hour. I’ve just become too impatient, missing out on the beauty of the moment and tiny details of the life of a child.
     It’s amazing how children, with their little life experience, offer us such wisdom and change us greatly. These little people sharpen us, challenge us and push us towards something greater. I’ve been amazed in the past week that our little bean, who never fully came to be, has taught me so much and changed me so profoundly. That little bean opened my eyes to see the precious gift of rocking a 2 year old at 1am, praying over a 4 year old at 3am against bad dreams, and allowing a big smile to come over my face as the uncontrollable laughter disrupts another dinner. Yes, after last week I am forever changed and I pray that my lenses remain clear so that I can be transformed more into the image of Jesus through the tiny details of a child’s life.

Blessed Be Your Name

It was the second time I’ve left the hospital without my baby and a Mother should never have to leave the hospital without her baby. The first time was in April, 2006. My husband and I only made it 10 minutes down the freeway before we turned around and went back to the hospital NICU to hold our 4 pound baby girls. The second time was last week and this time we would not be turning around for there was nothing to return to.
     At almost 12 weeks we had a miscarriage and I once again was forced to leave the hospital without my baby. A few days prior when I learned that there was no longer a heartbeat I left in my car and sobbed. My mind was flooded with guilty thoughts, “perhaps it was that night when my children woke me up so many times and I feared having to care for one more. Perhaps it was this day when we found out we were pregnant and had some conflicting emotions about it. Perhaps…” Then out of my mouth with strength and courage I said, “You are the Giver of Life. Not me. You are the Giver of Life. You give and take away. Not me. But I choose to say, blessed be Your name.” Truly my negative thoughts can no more take away life than a positive thought can create it. God is the Creator. He is the Giver of Life.
     Friday I went to the hospital and as I entered the OR I once again was sobbing. The anesthesiologist said to me, “I’m so sorry. The day is sad for you. The whole day is crying for you too.” It poured rain all day and most of the night. Truly, it was as though all of heaven was weeping for all the Mothers who’ve ever had to leave the hospital without their baby.
     We’re left with the same confusing feelings we had the days and weeks that we woke up without our twins who remained in the NICU for 4 weeks. We’re empty. We’re confused. We’re conflicted. We’re heartbroken.
     But I have 3 beautiful, healthy children. Blessed be Your name. I have a loving husband who is walking through the valley with me. Blessed be Your name. I have parents that drove home on Wednesday from a visit here and turned right back around Thursday to come take care of their baby. Blessed be Your name. In September we will not be bringing home a new baby, but my little twins will be starting kindergarten and my husband and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage – September will continue to be a happy month. Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give and take away.

My heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name.