Forever Changed

It probably goes without saying that after last week my life is forever changed; but, after last week, my life is forever changed! I’m looking at life and my children through a totally different lens. I think my lens had become scratched, blurred, dirty, and tainted. But after our miscarriage, I feel like my lens is totally clear and giving proper perspective to life and family. I confess that I’ve become hurried and frustrated, annoyed and perhaps a little bitter. Why? Well, I’m still processing that, but I’ve seen myself slipping away and I haven’t liked it. It seems as though I’m just living on the surface of life, trying to get through everything too quickly. I never used to be this way. I was always someone who sucked every ounce out of life and enjoyed every moment. Having children slowed me down even more, but in the past 2 years, the speed has accelerated and in my haste I’ve become impatient, short, and exasperated all too often. I’ve been conflicted as I see my children hitting major milestones – not wanting them to grow up too quickly – yet when 7pm hits, I want them in bed immediately with no popping up and games. I can’t wait one more moment as they “need to tell me one more thing” before getting in the car to leave for school. I can’t stop one more time for them to pick up a stick or dirt, turning our 10 minute walk into an hour. I’ve just become too impatient, missing out on the beauty of the moment and tiny details of the life of a child.
     It’s amazing how children, with their little life experience, offer us such wisdom and change us greatly. These little people sharpen us, challenge us and push us towards something greater. I’ve been amazed in the past week that our little bean, who never fully came to be, has taught me so much and changed me so profoundly. That little bean opened my eyes to see the precious gift of rocking a 2 year old at 1am, praying over a 4 year old at 3am against bad dreams, and allowing a big smile to come over my face as the uncontrollable laughter disrupts another dinner. Yes, after last week I am forever changed and I pray that my lenses remain clear so that I can be transformed more into the image of Jesus through the tiny details of a child’s life.