I just had a moment of true confession with my husband about a struggle I have with family. There is part of me that loves everything family and I dream about day trips and vacations with the 5 of us where we giggle and laugh and take crazy photos and soooo enjoy one another’s company. I want to be super content being with just my family and no one else. I want to be totally fulfilled in their presence and just live and breathe my family and my role as mother. Then there is the other part of me. The part that is all about me. The part that dreams about fulfilling my selfish desires of waking up on a Saturday morning around 8am, making a hot tea and grabbing a bunch of magazines to read while back in my bed with my tea. I dream of spending my day anyway I want to, alone, happy. I don’t have to cook for anyone, I don’t have to clean anything, I don’t need to drive anywhere – I can just be. Sounds kinda normal for moms right? This struggle between total self sacrifice and self indulgence! But my problem goes beyond that – it becomes my desire to escape. When Friday rolls around I start plotting and scheming errands I “need” to do while my husband is home with the kids on the weekend. I make plans with girlfriends, hope and pray for a baby shower or birthday or event for ladies only! I try to find a reason to escape. I know there is nothing wrong with getting away and even the desire to get away and have some time alone. But I hate that it has become a mission of mine. I hate that I’m always crafting an escape plan. As if my family is something I need to escape from every weekend. I want to desire getting away because I truly need to accomplish something or recharge. But I don’t want to always be running away just to indulge my selfish desires (that are usually something lame like going to the market so I can buy and hide another box of girl scout cookies!) I guess I was just confessing my life long struggle with selfishness. I’m asking God to change my heart so that I can enjoy the blessing of my family on the weekends, and silence the lies of the enemy that tells me I need and deserve to escape.
*I'm linking up with Hillary at Capturing Motherhood - being honest that I'm not perfect and struggle with the desire to escape my family sometimes.