Monday, March 26, 2012

A New Life - Lock-In

I was working in Seattle when Roger asked me to marry him.  He was working and living in Sacramento at the time, so obviously someone was going to have to quit their job when we got married so we could live in the same state!  In the first few months of our engagement, this decision caused a lot of stress and arguments.  My boss said, “You’re going to continue to lock-up until you lock-in.”  (Feel free to use that quote, it’s a good one!)  He was so right.  Until we locked into our decision that I would quit my job and move back to California, we locked horns several times over this issue.
 This same quote came up in one of my initial therapy sessions.  Along with seeing a therapist for my anxiety disorder, I was pursuing an allergist to see if perhaps I have some food allergies that are contributing to my digestive discomforts.  One day my therapist said that he wasn’t sure if I had fully embraced that I have an anxiety disorder.  He affirmed my desire to consider additional contributing factors to my discomfort, but was rather confident that I hadn’t yet fully owned this new reality in my life.  He insinuated that until I fully owned an anxiety disorder, I would not be able to move on.  I would continue to lock-up until I locked-in!
 I got in my car and said out loud, “I have an anxiety disorder.”  I went home and told my husband that I have an anxiety disorder and I’m fully embracing it.  The following week in my session I told my therapist that I’ve put on hold pursuing other doctors for a few months and I’m completely owning this anxiety disorder.  He gave me a high 5!
 I guess they say admitting you have a problem is the first step – it’s kinda true!  Once I owned this anxiety disorder and stopped trying to find something else to blame for my discomfort and panic attacks, I felt a huge sense of relief and freedom.  You can’t really tackle the problem until you name it completely.  There are so many areas of my life that I try to explain away or find excuses to justify my feelings or behavior, but that just takes me in circles.  But once I lock-in to the truth, I’m set free.
 I’m locked-in, I have an anxiety disorder.  When I start to get a stomach ache or feel sick, I am not looking to what I ate as an explanation.  I call it what it is, stare it in the face, and get over it.
 The enemy loves to distort the truth.  He loves to send us on a wild goose chase that keeps us looking everywhere except the truth.  He is crafty.  He is deceptive.  He knows our weakness and makes it his goal to keep us confounded and distracted so that we never really find strength and freedom over our weaknesses.  But it is amazing how quickly his power fades when we call things as they are, lock-in to the truth, and find freedom.

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