A Redeeming Love - Chapter 13

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapters 8&9,
Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12

 

Nothing in Seattle reminded me of Roger.  I had never been to Seattle prior to taking a job up there, so there were no previous memories.  I wasn’t driving around remembering our date at the Space Needle or a breakfast at Portage Bay.  It was a fresh start with all things new.  So once the healing kicked into high gear, it wasn’t long before I didn’t think about Roger at all.  For 7 years I couldn’t get that man off my mind, but now I was free and it felt amazing.  That’s why this large letter came with a bit of a shock.

 “Dear Raeanne,

There are so many things that I want to talk to you about.  I wish I could share these things with you in person.  But, due to the circumstances and out of respect for you, I felt that I should do it by letter.  My hope is that you receive this in such a way as to allow us to meet and for me to share more with you in person…”

 I felt sick reading these words.  Once and for all I was finished with Roger Newquist, but he obviously wasn’t finished with me.  As I read all 6 pages of this letter, nothing stirred within me.  He was open, honest and bold.  He said he was in love with me.  I felt nothing.  I remember putting the letter in a drawer and letting it sit there for about a week.  I didn’t know what to do with it.  I didn’t want to respond.  I had nothing to say.

 I shared the letter with a good friend of mine in Seattle and he said that if any man had the courage to write such a letter, he deserved a reply.  Really?  I had to reply?  I was angry that now I was being put in the position to reject him.  I didn’t like it.  I decided that I’d call so that he knew I received the letter.

 I remember that phone conversation so clearly.  I was totally calm.  He was very nervous.  I told him that I received the letter and I didn’t love him anymore.  I thought being direct was best so there was no room for misinterpretation.  “I don’t love you anymore.”  His response, “Can I take you to dinner?”  WHAT?  I was furious that he was making me repeat myself!  “You don’t understand.  I don’t love you anymore.”  “I know,” he said.  “Can I take you to dinner?”  He urged me to be open and in the end, I agreed to “being open” (whatever that meant) and I’d call him in a few weeks.  I hung up the phone frustrated.

 In the next few days and weeks I would look in the bathroom mirror as I brushed my teeth and simply say, “I’m open.”  To what?  I didn’t know!  But I said I’d be open, so I was being open!  After a few weeks, the only revelation, if you will, that came to me was that Roger was a good guy and if he lived in Seattle I’d go to dinner with him.  I’d give him a little bit of my time.  But he lived in Sacramento, so this was completely foolish.  When I called him to simply shoot him down again, he explained that he’d like to take me to dinner and threw out a date and made all the reservations to fly up to Seattle just to take me to dinner!  He booked a hotel.  He rented a car.  This guy was serious!  I hung up from that conversation thinking he was nuts!  But I was in it for a free meal!

From the Letter:

“Several years ago God asked me two questions, “Do you love me?” and “Do I get to love you?”  I have learned that until I can say yes to both these questions, I do not have the freedom to love anyone else, the way that God wants me to.  And freedom, as you’ve desired for me for so long now, is what God has wanted to give me all along.  This has been God’s desire for me for so long in so many areas of my life.  I have come to the understanding that my inability to live in freedom has caused me to run away from life – including you.”

 About a month later Roger knocked on the door of my 2 bedroom mother-in-law home in Wallingford with a big bouquet of flowers.  He was painfully nervous. I was painfully calm.  I invited him in and said that if he were going to be in Seattle for a few days, I’d get us tickets to a Mariners game.  He was very excited.  I felt obligated to be a good hostess in a way, plus a night at the M’s was always a good time!  He had done his research and made reservations at a beautiful Italian restaurant down town.  I think that was the first time he ever took me to a nice restaurant.  Conversation with Roger was easy, after all, we’d already shared so much of life together.  But my heart was still.  I didn’t have feelings for him. 

The next day he stopped by my office with California Poppies that he got from the market – cute.  He asked if I’d go see Mama Mia with him if he could get tickets.  Sure! – again, I’m up for a free night out!  (horrible, I know)  So in his brief visit we went to dinner, saw a show and went to a baseball game.  I will admit, there was something very different about him.  He had changed.

From the Letter:

“Before, I could not love you the way you deserved to be loved… the way that God wanted me to love you.  Now, I believe that no one can love you like I do.
I love you,
Rog”

Those were the words God spoke to me on my rock over a year ago – and now Roger was in agreement that he hadn’t loved me like God wanted me to be loved.

He flew back to California with another flight booked to come back for my 30^th birthday  the next month.  I had not told my friends or family about any of this for fear that they would forbid it (and eventually my father did).  Roger left Seattle very hopeful.  I said good bye with a small ounce of curiosity.