A Redeeming Love - The Final Chapter

 

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapters 8&9,

Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15

The morning of Sunday, December 14^th was like none other I have ever seen in San Francisco.  It was clear as a bell and about 70 degrees – unheard of for winter in the city! 

 

After I showered and got ready, Roger and I grabbed some breakfast.  I suggested we drive across the Golden Gate Bridge and go up to the National Recreation Area to enjoy the view of the city on such a spectacular day before heading to the airport in Sacramento where I’d be flying back to Seattle.  Roger agreed and we began to drive.  I wasn’t nervous anymore.  I knew that this wouldn’t be the weekend we’d get engaged, but I also felt confident that if ever he asked, I would say yes.  God had given me peace that for my life, two are better than one.

As we made our way up into the hills, I was surprised to see so few people out.  We drove up to a little spot where there was a park bench, a fence and one breath taking view.  We got out and quickly Roger hopped the fence and started walking out onto the hill.  We were speechless as we felt the warm air and looked at the crystal clear city skyline.  He reached into his pocked and pulled out two quarters.  “Here,” he said as he handed me a quarter.  “Make a wish.”  From the time our relationship began, we had always made wishes together – from the wishing well at Disneyland to stars in the sky – we were always making wishes!  I laughed because there was no way in the universe I would be able to throw my quarter into the bay, but I turned around, closed my eyes, made my wish and threw that quarter.  When I turned around, Roger was down on one knee.

With eloquent, thoughtful words, he asked me to marry him. 

Completely shocked and caught off guard I said, “I just wished for that!  I can’t believe you made my wish come true!”  “You’ve made all my wishes come true,” he said as he pulled out the ring.  My heart was racing and I just couldn’t believe this was happening.  Of course I said yes and happily slipped on my engagement ring.  We sat down and as we stared at the city, we talked, cried, cuddled and laughed.  It was simply a perfect moment in time.

 “Remember when we made wishes at Snow White’s Wishing Well at Disneyland 6 years ago?  You wished that one day you’d date Raeanne Jones.  I wished that one day we’d return to Disneyland with our children!  You wanted a date, I wanted to raise children together!” 

 It was tough to get on the plane that afternoon, but I knew I’d see him again in a few weeks for Christmas.  We made a pact that we would have fun planning the wedding and never wish a moment away.  I can honestly say that the wedding planning was so special and the wedding itself, almost 9 months later to the day, was truly my dream come true.

 We got married outside at Villa Montalvo, a beautiful villa in the hills moments away from where I grew up.  As I went to pick out the invitations with my mother, I remember the women helping us said, “Since you’re getting married outside, your invitation should read, ‘the pleasure of your company is requested.’  You only say, ‘request the honor of your presence..’ if it is in a church or a worship service.”  I was quick to say, “We’ll have ‘request the honor of your presence…’ in our invitation, because that day, it will be a worship service on holy ground.”  And it was. 

 Much to the shock of many, we got married on the 11^th of September, 2004.  It was only 3 years after the 9-11 tragedy, but we decided that we’d redeem the day.  Our whole love story was about redemption, healing and making all things new, so it was very fitting.  I never thought that God would redeem all the pain and heartbreak in my life with the same man that caused it.  But isn’t that just like God?  He takes the impossible and makes it possible.

 

Three days before the wedding I went up into the mountains to “my rock” where I sat and prayed.

“Lord, it was about 2 ½ years ago that I sat on this rock crying and questioning.  I was hurt and broken.  I asked big questions and you were faithful to answer.  Thank you Lord for meeting me here that day.  You changed my life that day.  You began a healing process and transformation that led me to this place again to praise you.

God, in 3 days I will marry that man who broke my heart 2 ½ years ago.  Where there once was pain, now there is joy.  Where there were ashes, you’ve given beauty.  Where there was mourning, you’ve brought dancing.  You are the Redeemer!”

 And redeem He did!  The day was a beautiful, holy celebration.  My prayer for that day was that I would be totally present and live every moment.  God answered.  I remember every step I took, the look on his face, the words that were spoken, the music played – I recall all of it.  It was one of the best days of my life.

 And as for our love of wishes, well, there just happened to be a wrought iron wishing well on the property where we shared our first dance! 

 And our favors were tiny white boxes tied with pale pink silk ribbon.  Inside there were 4 brand new pennies with a little note that told of the wish that came true for me on December 14^th, 2003 when Roger asked me to marry him.  The note ended with,
“Use these coins to make wishes of your own.  Wishes do come true!”

 And with that, I conclude this Summer Romance Series!  It’s been 8 wonderful, challenging, growing, loving, child birthing, fun filled years.  God continues to redeem us through our mistakes and failures while we continue to make wishes and watch God bless us time and again.

Back at Snow White's Wishing Well... with our daughters!  Just like I wished for!

A Redeeming Love - Chapter 15

 A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapters 8&9,

Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14

 

After being led by my heart for so many years, it was now strange to be led by my mind first.  I was always so in love with Roger – I was almost blind to reality.  The reality of our differences.  The reality of our faults.  But in these months of his pursuit I was not blinded by anything.  I was seeing everything clearly and almost just waiting for the feelings to come.

 I remember waiting on pins and needles the day he was to talk to my parents.  I was so nervous for him.  It’s no secret that my father can be a rather intense man and one of strong opinion.  At least Roger had the advantage of being larger than my father!  Perhaps his height would add a little intimidation (not likely)!  Roger called me on his drive back to Sacramento and told me that my father did not let him off easy.  My mother was mortified that my father essentially raked him over the coals!  But a good papa bear knows to protect his littlest.  I didn’t know this then, but months later was told that at the end of the conversation my father said, “we’ve talked about this, you are forgiven, and it is not to be brought up again.”  Roger replied, “the next time I come to see you it will be to ask for your permission to marry your daughter.”

 Fall was here and in October I made the flight to California to see my visiting Aunt and Uncle.  Roger came down to my parents’ house as well and we all spent the weekend together.  It was a wonderful time and I had a new confidence in him.  I was still so impressed that he boldly talked to my parents and still wasn’t shaken to the point that he’d come spend the weekend with them.  I had a peace that this time he was not changing his mind.  At the end of the weekend, Roger took me to the airport to fly back to Seattle.  At the curb he hugged me and said that he loved me.  “I love you too,” I said for the first time.  He looked at me, welled up with tears and said, “you’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”

 It would be another month or so before we’d be together at Thanksgiving.  A week prior to that, he paid my parents another visit – probably the most important visit of his life.  My mom knew what was coming so she baked a chocolate cake in the shape of a heart!  He was given my parents’ full blessing to marry me and now it was just a matter of time.

About that same time I was driving to Northern Washington to speak at a weekend retreat.  As I drove, I prayed.  I prayed for the weekend and the students that would attend.  I prayed for the words I would speak.  And then I prayed that God would forgive the selfishness in my life.  Something I’ve always struggled with is selfishness and as I prayed for forgiveness, God showed me that on my own, I will always struggle with being selfish.  But only when my selfishness starts to hurt someone else will I change.  At that moment God spoke to me and told me that He was calling me to marry Roger and be purified through our marriage.  Perhaps you’ve heard it said, “what if marriage isn’t to make us happy, but to make us holy?”  I would completely agree that God uses marriage to refine us and make us more who He wants us to be.

 After Thanksgiving I received a card in the mail.  Roger had told me to reserve the second weekend in December, but I didn’t know why.  Well, I acted like I didn’t know why! 

 The card had specific instructions which also included buying new clothes for the weekend!  I just couldn’t believe that all this was happening.  There was a flight number, with no destination listed, and I was to go to the airport and board the plane without knowing where I was going!  It was so exciting and romantic.  Of course I dreamed that perhaps I was flying to Paris or maybe New York!  But then I realized that Southwest doesn’t fly to France!

 On Friday, December 12^th, 2003 I went to the airport and flew to Sacramento where Roger was waiting for me.  Not exactly Paris, but it was where he was and that was all that mattered.  I was wearing a new outfit, of course, and was surprised to see that he was sporting a new hair style – he shaved his head!  We went to dinner with some of his old friends who I hadn’t met before and I knew I was there on approval.  Later we returned to his home and sat on the couch and talked for a long time.  In the course of that conversation I did it.  I said those unimaginable words.  “I’m not sure if I want to get married.”  He hadn’t asked, but we all knew what I was doing there that weekend.  This was it – he flew me down to propose.  And I sabotaged it.  I remember him looking at me and saying, “well, you’d better figure that out real quick.”  My heart sank.  What nerve I had to throw that out there at this point.  The truth is, I was scared.

 He stayed at a friend’s house.  I slept alone at his house and in the morning he came and told me to pack my bags, we were leaving.  I thought he might be driving me back to the airport!  But he said, “let’s just have fun this weekend.”  He began driving and soon we were crossing The Bay Bridge, “San Francisco must be our destination,” I thought.  As we got to the toll booth the attendant looked into our car and asked, “are you married?”  Roger awkwardly laughed and said, “no.”  “You will be soon and after a year you will have a child.”  He said some other things that left us both wide eyed and shocked!  Who was that man?  Was he an angle?  Was he drunk?  We were speechless.

Roger pulled up to the Mark Hopkins Hotel in San Francisco and as the valet opened our car door and asked, “are you staying with us sir?”  I was stunned that Roger immediately said, “yes.”  What?  This was part of the plan?  Staying in the city?  I was blown away – almost as much as when he got 2 rooms!  What a perfect gentleman.  We got settled and then walked over to the Fairmont to see their Christmas decorations.  The city with bustling with holiday energy and my heart was rapid with nerves and excitement.

 After window shopping, he told me to rest up because we had big plans that night.  I was to dress up.  Growing up, my mom used to take me to the city at Christmas to see the San Francisco Ballet perform a matinee of The Nutcracker.  It was always the highlight of the holidays for me.  But I had never been to the ballet at night until December 13^th.  I got all dressed up in my new fancy outfit and he told me that he was taking me to the ballet!  I almost died! 

At the War Memorial Opera House we sipped champagne and got ready for the show.  I was over the moon.  I’m pretty sure Roger nodded off a few times, but it was magical.  A storm was coming up in the city and the wind was bending trees over like blades of grass.  We got back to the hotel and went to The Top Of The Mark for cocktails and a great view of the chaos the storm was kicking up.  It was late and as we made our way back to our rooms, Roger kissed me goodnight and that was it.  He didn’t propose.  I was all dressed up, champagne, the ballet… and he didn’t ask me to marry him.  He missed it!  Or did I ruin it the night before?

I laid in my bed wide awake.  Had I ruined everything?  I hadn’t slept the night before and now embarked on another sleepless night.  I tossed and turned.  I prayed and asked God for clarity.  In the morning I wrote,

 “Although my stomach has been pretty upset the whole time, thinking he might propose, he hasn’t.  Finally last night, another sleepless night, I told God I needed some answers as I’ve been worried and anxious and mostly scared that I might be making a mistake that would impact the rest of my life.  Mostly worried that I would be running out apart from God, pursuing my dream and not His.  I prayed and asked for His will and His direction.” 

 I loved my life in full time ministry and I knew marrying Roger would mean leaving my job in Seattle and perhaps leaving ministry.  I didn’t want to walk away from college ministry to get married if it wasn’t God’s will for me.

 “Finally, never doubting my love for Roger or my desire to be his wife, only fearful of sacrifices to be made, I prayed for an answer.  I got sleepy, the pit of my stomach left, I laid back on the pillow, my eyes shut and God said, “Two are better than one.”  And I drifted off to sleep.  2 are better than 1.”

 It was about 5am when I fell asleep and was woken up by Roger calling a few hours later.  “Turn on the news,” he said.  “They’ve captured Saddam Hussein.”  It was December 14^th, 2003.

A Redeeming Love - Chapter 14

OK, I’m ready to land the plane, so this week I’m wrapping up The Redeeming Love series with the final chapters today, Wednesday, and Friday. 

After all, it’s no longer Summer, so this series must end!

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapters 8&9,
Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13

 On my worst days after Roger broke up with me for the final time, I remember that so many people told me that one day when I married some amazing man, the pain of this break up wouldn’t even matter any more.  And I clearly remember thinking, “No matter how amazing of a man I marry one day, I will never forget this pain.  Nothing could redeem this feeling of rejection.”

 But I was healed.  The painful memories became mere words in my journals and no long wounds on my heart.  I had moved on and even though this man named Roger Newquist had somehow made his way back into my new world, I was completely different and I saw things more clearly.

 He returned to Seattle to wish me a happy 30^th birthday and by this time my father had gotten word that Roger was paying me a visit.  My father was very clear and adamant – I will not watch this man hurt you again.  I tried to ensure him that I was not giving my heart away, simply a few hours for dinner.  But my protective papa bear wasn’t buying it.  2 weeks later I left for an adventure to Spain and Italy with my father where I would have his undivided attention to convince him that I was not being foolish.

 My father and I spent a glorious vacation touring the Paradors of Spain and then on to visit some friends in the Italian Alps.  It was a trip I will never forget and a special time alone with my father.  One night at dinner, I mentioned the name… Roger.  I saw the expression in my dad’s face drop.  I promised him that I wasn’t giving my heart away this time and if he wanted to fly up to take me to dinner once a month, why not?  And I think I flippantly mentioned something like, “he doesn’t want to date me, he wants to marry me.”

 I left my dad in Italy and flew back to Seattle while he continued his trip with a train ride to Switzerland.  A few weeks later I received a hand written letter from my father that he wrote on that train ride. 

 He thanked me for a wonderful trip and ended by saying, “The man who wins your heart will be a very lucky man.  If that man turns out to be Roger, you can be sure that both of you will have 100% of my support.”

Was this my same father?  Did he have too many glasses of wine on that train ride?  Or did he perhaps now understand that I was proceeding with caution and simply opening my mind up to something that Roger had already been convinced of – we would spend our lives together.

 The following month Roger was speaking at a family retreat and arranged for a visit with my parents after the retreat.  Roger wanted to ask their forgiveness for hurting their daughter several times over the past 8 years.  I thought he was crazy.  He was a grown man of 35 and didn’t need to explain himself to my parents.  But he was insistent.  As I sat home in Seattle, wondering what was going on down in California with Roger and my parents, it was the first time that I was convinced that he was serious about me.  Since he flew up to Seattle the first time to take me to dinner, I was very guarded and wondered if he’d change his mind again like he had so many times before.  Was this another phase where he’d pursue me and then in a few months decided that I wasn’t that important to him?  But having the nerve and intention of paving a smooth and healthy road before him by clearing the air with my parents showed me that if this “relationship” was going to potentially end, it wouldn’t be by his hand.  It would be by mine.

A Redeeming Love - Chapter 13

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapters 8&9,
Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12

 

Nothing in Seattle reminded me of Roger.  I had never been to Seattle prior to taking a job up there, so there were no previous memories.  I wasn’t driving around remembering our date at the Space Needle or a breakfast at Portage Bay.  It was a fresh start with all things new.  So once the healing kicked into high gear, it wasn’t long before I didn’t think about Roger at all.  For 7 years I couldn’t get that man off my mind, but now I was free and it felt amazing.  That’s why this large letter came with a bit of a shock.

 “Dear Raeanne,

There are so many things that I want to talk to you about.  I wish I could share these things with you in person.  But, due to the circumstances and out of respect for you, I felt that I should do it by letter.  My hope is that you receive this in such a way as to allow us to meet and for me to share more with you in person…”

 I felt sick reading these words.  Once and for all I was finished with Roger Newquist, but he obviously wasn’t finished with me.  As I read all 6 pages of this letter, nothing stirred within me.  He was open, honest and bold.  He said he was in love with me.  I felt nothing.  I remember putting the letter in a drawer and letting it sit there for about a week.  I didn’t know what to do with it.  I didn’t want to respond.  I had nothing to say.

 I shared the letter with a good friend of mine in Seattle and he said that if any man had the courage to write such a letter, he deserved a reply.  Really?  I had to reply?  I was angry that now I was being put in the position to reject him.  I didn’t like it.  I decided that I’d call so that he knew I received the letter.

 I remember that phone conversation so clearly.  I was totally calm.  He was very nervous.  I told him that I received the letter and I didn’t love him anymore.  I thought being direct was best so there was no room for misinterpretation.  “I don’t love you anymore.”  His response, “Can I take you to dinner?”  WHAT?  I was furious that he was making me repeat myself!  “You don’t understand.  I don’t love you anymore.”  “I know,” he said.  “Can I take you to dinner?”  He urged me to be open and in the end, I agreed to “being open” (whatever that meant) and I’d call him in a few weeks.  I hung up the phone frustrated.

 In the next few days and weeks I would look in the bathroom mirror as I brushed my teeth and simply say, “I’m open.”  To what?  I didn’t know!  But I said I’d be open, so I was being open!  After a few weeks, the only revelation, if you will, that came to me was that Roger was a good guy and if he lived in Seattle I’d go to dinner with him.  I’d give him a little bit of my time.  But he lived in Sacramento, so this was completely foolish.  When I called him to simply shoot him down again, he explained that he’d like to take me to dinner and threw out a date and made all the reservations to fly up to Seattle just to take me to dinner!  He booked a hotel.  He rented a car.  This guy was serious!  I hung up from that conversation thinking he was nuts!  But I was in it for a free meal!

From the Letter:

“Several years ago God asked me two questions, “Do you love me?” and “Do I get to love you?”  I have learned that until I can say yes to both these questions, I do not have the freedom to love anyone else, the way that God wants me to.  And freedom, as you’ve desired for me for so long now, is what God has wanted to give me all along.  This has been God’s desire for me for so long in so many areas of my life.  I have come to the understanding that my inability to live in freedom has caused me to run away from life – including you.”

 About a month later Roger knocked on the door of my 2 bedroom mother-in-law home in Wallingford with a big bouquet of flowers.  He was painfully nervous. I was painfully calm.  I invited him in and said that if he were going to be in Seattle for a few days, I’d get us tickets to a Mariners game.  He was very excited.  I felt obligated to be a good hostess in a way, plus a night at the M’s was always a good time!  He had done his research and made reservations at a beautiful Italian restaurant down town.  I think that was the first time he ever took me to a nice restaurant.  Conversation with Roger was easy, after all, we’d already shared so much of life together.  But my heart was still.  I didn’t have feelings for him. 

The next day he stopped by my office with California Poppies that he got from the market – cute.  He asked if I’d go see Mama Mia with him if he could get tickets.  Sure! – again, I’m up for a free night out!  (horrible, I know)  So in his brief visit we went to dinner, saw a show and went to a baseball game.  I will admit, there was something very different about him.  He had changed.

From the Letter:

“Before, I could not love you the way you deserved to be loved… the way that God wanted me to love you.  Now, I believe that no one can love you like I do.
I love you,
Rog”

Those were the words God spoke to me on my rock over a year ago – and now Roger was in agreement that he hadn’t loved me like God wanted me to be loved.

He flew back to California with another flight booked to come back for my 30^th birthday  the next month.  I had not told my friends or family about any of this for fear that they would forbid it (and eventually my father did).  Roger left Seattle very hopeful.  I said good bye with a small ounce of curiosity. 

A Redeeming Love - Chapter 12

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapters 8&9,
Chapter 10, Chapter 11

The days and weeks after Roger broke up with me once and for all were more difficult than I would have imagined.  I had been through break ups with him before.  But this time was different.  This time there was a reason – I didn’t play as big of a role in his life as he played in mine.  He didn’t love me nearly as much as I loved him.  I was devastated.  I was broken.

 The days of moving on turned into weeks and the weeks into months.  I was limping along and feeling more and more confused about many aspects of my life.  Most of all, I was confused about God.  I had prayed, I sought His wisdom regarding Roger, and I felt that He was leading us back together – so why didn’t it work?  One cold morning I got in my car and started driving North.  I had always gone up in the mountains by my childhood home to talk with God when I was growing up.  I knew I needed to get to those mountains, specifically to “my rock” and talk to God.

 I sat in the car with my Bible and journal, it was freezing outside and too harsh for me to sit on my rock.  As I prayed, I boldly asked God what happened?  I felt betrayed.  Then God spoke to me, “I have more for you.  He’s not enough for my girl.  You wanted him so badly, I couldn’t stop you but had to allow you to experience the truth so that you might hear when I say I have more for you.  He’s not the one for my girl.”

He was right.  For 7 years I had been in love with this man.  For 7 years of friendship and on and off again dating, I had my eyes set on him and nothing could change that.  Even his lack of enthusiasm and lack of love for me.  It didn’t matter.  I loved him and that was enough for me.  But not enough for God.

 I left that mountain with great peace and hope.  I made the 5 hour drive back to Southern California where I once again turned my heart over God to heal me, restore me and make all things new in me.  He did that and then some!  Over the next 3 months God made my life radically new by moving me up to Seattle Washington to do college ministry.  There, just as God had spoken to me in the Czech Republic on the mission trip, I would be #2, not #1.  I took the position of Associate Director of University Ministries at University Presbyterian Church and got to work under an amazing man who God used (and still uses) to speak truth and healing into my life. 

I was in a new city.  I had a new job.  I had a new home.  I was making new friends, and God was giving me a new heart.  What an amazing blessing that move was!  Roger knew I had moved away and moved on.  He too had moved on.  After I was in Seattle for about 6 months, he called casually to say hello.  The conversation was awkward to me.  I felt nothing for him.  He, on the other hand, seemed to have a hint of desire in his voice.  I thought it strange and made it clear that I was happy and healed and in a new place.  We didn’t talk again.

Life in Seattle was incredible.  I learned so much about myself and Jesus and Christian community up there.  Friends and family came to visit and we had a blast feasting our eyes on the beauty of God’s creation and filling our stomachs with phenomenal food!  I also loved taking guests to Mariners games - I kinda became a baseball fan!    The first year flew by and I was loving every moment, even the challenges that transition brings turned into blessings. 

And then the letter came.  A 6 page, handwritten letter on beautiful paper.

 It was from Roger. 

I read it. 

I felt sick to my stomach.

A Redeeming Love - Chapter 11

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapters 8&9,
Chapter 10

Back together at last! 
But this time was different.  A few months before our second go around I was at a young adult’s bible study with a few hundred people.  Roger was there.  Now that he was back working in Southern California on a cop schedule, we didn’t see him much and he started going to a new church.  I had gone on a few dates since Roger had broken up with me and left for the CHP Academy.  Nothing too serious, but I ran into all those guys that night!  In my journal I wrote:

 August 7, 2001

“I walked away tonight having so many fun conversations with awesome guys, but I can only think of Roger.  He’s the only one who still makes my heart race when he brushes up against me, takes my breath away when he looks at me and smiles, brings me to tears as I watch him worship our  Lord.  My heart loves this man for all that he is, even on bad days, he’s the only one I’m attracted to and the only one that I’m still left remembering at the end of the day.”

 With that, I did something I’ve never done before.  I made the first move.  I prayed about it for a few months and then sat down with Roger and asked if there was ever a chance of us dating again?  I just needed to know once and for all so I could move on.  After a very long conversation and a few days to think and pray, we started dating again – October 26^th, 2001.

 Now our worlds were different – he was a cop and I was in a pastoral role and we didn’t see each other as often.  His work schedule allowed him to pop in for lunch every now and again, but we tried to spend his days off together.  It felt very different than 2 years ago.  We were different.  I realized that in our first dating experience, I romanticized everything about him.  I just loved loving him!  His faults or differences, well, I didn’t pay too much attention!  But 2 years apart helped me grow and mature and this time I knew a little more of what I was getting into.

 The holidays were upon us once again and his job schedule didn’t allow for much holiday play.  Then he got a call that there was a job opening in Sacramento at the Capitol.  Roger’s family was in Sacramento and the job at the Capitol was exciting and interesting.  He flew up for an interview.

On February 4^th, 2002 I spent the morning at the beach reading and praying. 

“Genesis 22 – God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.  This is the son he’s waited for, the son that has been promised.  The son they conceived at 100!  The son of the covenant that God promised Abraham.
   Now God tells him to give him up, kill him!  What is more amazing is Abraham’s radical trust in God.  He totally trusts and takes Isaac up the mountain to obey God and kill him.  He totally trusts God!  Even in horrible, crazy, “you’ve got to be kidding me” circumstances!  Abraham obeys and does what God says.
       He is radically obedient.  To no end.  At any cost.  He obeys.
And God provides, God blesses, God is trustworthy.
I am going to receive this as my message today.
  God I want and I need to trust you like Abraham did!  I need to trust you in my “you’ve got to be kidding me” circumstances with Roger.  I want my reaction to be that of Abraham – radical obedience and worship!”

 God was preparing my heart.  4 days later Roger returned from Sacramento.  I was at his house to greet him and he gushed over his time up there.  They offered him the job.  He accepted it.  When I asked about us, I’ll never forget his response.  “At this point in our relationship, you should play a bigger role in my decision making, and you don’t.”

I was in shock.  We talked, cried and I left, for the last time.  It was over and he soon moved to Sacramento.

 My world was changing.  The college ministry I was leading for now 2 years had grown measurably and I was feeling the weight of carrying it alone.  God gave me a vision for ministry on a trip to Poland and I was to be “#2, not #1” in ministry.  I was no longer to lead this large ministry, but support one who did.  My relationship with the man of my dreams was done for good.  My nest was becoming rather uncomfortable.  I never expected God would use that uncomfortable nest to shove me out of it and make me fly.

PS – only 2 chapters left!!

A Redeeming Love - Chapter 10

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapters 8&9

Summer is coming to a close…. How am I going to wrap this up?!!

 As our dating relationship ended, I continued to volunteer in the college ministry, so I still spent a lot of time with Roger.  We were still very close friends, there simply were no more dates or romance.  It was confusing to me – I thought we were so great together.

 With change in the air, I sat down and did some soul searching to find that my true passion was college ministry and I was ready to pursue it full time.  I had been in a long term temp position at a beautiful hotel on the beach and knew it was time to say goodbye and pursue my passion.  Shortly after I decided this, a new position at my church opened up.  The college ministry had been steadily growing and Roger felt that he needed another full time staff member to assist him.  Being a single man in college ministry, he was growing increasingly uncomfortable with counseling college women, so he specifically was looking for a woman to partner with him in ministry.  Now that our dating relationship was over and I was determined to go into full time college ministry, this opportunity seemed perfect.  I told Roger that I was going to apply for the job.  He made it very clear that if I were to get it, we could never date while working together.  I in turn made it clear that if I got the job and he decided that he wanted to date me again, he’d have to quit because I was confident that college ministry was where I was supposed to be!

A few month later I was hired.  I absolutely loved everything about this job.  As new opportunities came up, I discovered different parts of myself and gifts God had given me that I knew nothing about.  I remember the first night I got to speak to the college students at our weekly service.  I had grown up singing solos in church, doing musical theater and dancing, so I was comfortable on stage.  But getting to speak and share my heart was new to me and quickly became one of my most favorite things. 

It wasn’t awkward working with Roger as some thought it might be.  We didn’t have a messy breakup and truly, we worked very well together.  We were both very different in our personalities, approach to ministry and gifting, so together we made a great team.  But that team wouldn’t last long.

Towards the end of the school year Roger announced that he would be leaving Malibu Presbyterian Church to pursue a chaplaincy with the California Highway Patrol.  I knew this meant he would be going away to the academy for training and then perhaps be working in a different part of the state.  I was excited for him and for the opportunities that might come with his leaving.  Shortly after his resignation, I was hired as the interim Director of University Ministries.  Later that position would be permanent.  I was over the moon.  I was madly in love with college students and although my dream man was moving away, I had something to pour all my time and passion into.

I kept in close contact with Roger throughout his time at the academy and was very excited to travel up to Sacramento with some friends to celebrate his graduation the following year.  I also was thrilled to find out that he would return to Southern California to work and live.  It wasn’t long before we were once again dating.  It was about 2 years after our first time dating.  October 26^th, 2001, our second, first date was back at the Happiest Place on Earth – Disneyland!

A Redeeming Love - Chapters 8 & 9

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7



Chapter 8

Before I quit my job at E! and moved all of my belongings into storage, I lived in an amazing penthouse overlooking the Pacific Ocean.  It was beautiful.  One evening, Roger came over to hang out and we walked across the street to take a stroll on the beach.  The sun had just set and the stars were coming out to visit.  We sat on the sand and looked at the sparkling diamonds and I said, “make a wish.”  We both did and immediately he asked, “what did you wish for?”  I wouldn’t tell.  Just like the wish I made in Snow White’s wishing well at Disneyland – if you tell a wish, it won’t come true.

Now that Roger and I were officially dating, he told me, “Remember the wishes we made on the stars at the beach?”  “Yes, and I’m not telling mine!,” I said.   “Well, I wished that one day I’d date Raeanne Jones,”  Roger said.  And now his wish had come true.  I smiled and inside laughed to myself, “if only he knew what I wished for!”

We had a blast spending the holidays together, exchanging gifts, getting dressed up to see Miss Saigon in San Francisco, and then he came to my parents’ house for New Years Eve.  I just couldn’t believe all this was happening to me.  I absolutely loved falling in love!  What an amazing rush of emotions and how incredible that I was falling in love with that handsome man I saw for the first time about 4 years earlier and didn’t even know his name.  As the clock approached 12 midnight, we danced in the entry way of the house and he whispered in my ear, “do you think we’ll ever get married?”  WHAT???  In my girl mind that was as good as a proposal!  “I hope so,” I answered back.

The new year brought new adventures which included little day trips to Catalina Island and then my first Valentine’s Day having a boyfriend!  I surprised him and took him up to Yosemite for the day – it was adventurous, romantic and a dream coming true.  We spent late nights talking, weekends going to movies and new restaurants, and we spent countless hours on the phone.  I just couldn’t be happier and imagine a better man for me.  I always dreamed of marrying a big man, tall, broad shoulders, big hands… I always wanted to feel small and protected.  Roger was just that!  Tall, broad shoulders, muscular legs, nice hands, he was so handsome and I just couldn’t believe that he was my boyfriend!

 Our relationship was easy.  We were so compatible and hardly ever argued.  It was so wonderful that I never expected the surprise I got on April 1^st.

Chapter 9

Our church held a Maundy Thursday service which is the day before Good Friday.  In 1999, Maundy Thursday fell on April 1^st.  It was a beautiful, haunting service as we prepared our hearts for what would happen the next day, the crucifixion.  After the service, Roger and I went down to his office to talk.  It was then that I received the shock and it’s wasn’t an April Fool’s joke.

Roger told me that God was taking him on a journey and he felt that he needed to go alone.  His words were cryptic, disguised, unclear and confusing.  A journey?  Alone?  What does this mean?  I replied, “I’ll wait for you.  I’ll encourage you.  I’ll support you.”  “No,” he said.  “God is calling me to go alone.”  In a very strange and uncertain way, he was breaking up with me and it just didn’t make sense.  Perhaps it was my inexperience with break-ups, or the complete disbelief, but there wasn’t much conversation after that and we were no longer dating.

In the months to follow, I began to process April 1^st and journaled in a beautiful, wooden journal that Mr. M had given me as a gift when I graduated from Pepperdine.

 October 8, 1999
It’s funny, I received this book as a gift from a dear friend over 4 years ago.  Even now, the last time I’ve written in it was over a year ago.  I thought it was so precious when I first got it, I didn’t want to ruin it.  I thought that I could only write in it if I had something huge or profound to write.  I didn’t want a worthless book, filled with trivial entries and inconsistencies.  I didn’t even want to vary in colors of ink or writing styles.  SO protected, so guarded, too high of standards.  I feared messing up this precious gift of a book.  As you can see, in my fearful efforts to maintain the purity of this book I have succeeded in only one thing – to keep it empty.  So afraid of ruining my desires and intentions for this book, I’ve chosen to set it aside, buying many cheaper ones in it’s place and freely writing in them.  All the while, this one has remained empty.  Too special, too perfect, too important for me to perhaps ruin.

 Yet this was a gift to me.  I didn’t buy it, I didn’t look for it.  It was given to me with the intention of having it hold testimony to God’s faithfulness in my life.  I elevated those intentions so high that this book became untouchable, unapproachable.  Quiet, alone, empty.

 This book was intended to be written in.  Good things, bad things, truth, wishes, mistakes, errors, different ink, different styles.  This book was made to be written in.

The life that God has given me is much like this book.  It’s precious, it’s perfect.  Life was free, I didn’t go looking for it, I didn’t buy it.  It was free, it was a gift.  God said live!  Live abundantly!  Enjoy life!  Enjoy relationships.

 I took those intentions and elevated them so high that they became untouchable.  I became untouchable.  My standards for relationship exceeded the intentions God had in giving them to me.  Time and again He told me that relationships were gifts.  They were free!  The intention is to glorify me through relationships!  Fellowship and enjoy!

 The idea of dating was precious.  Like this book though, I thought I could only date someone if they were perfect, promised glorifying God with me and wouldn’t vary in style.  As My standards for this gift were elevated it only served to bring me on thing.  Fear.  Fear that I’d start a relationship and mess up.  Then the gift would be ruined.  Like if I wrote nonsense in this book – it would lessen it’s value.  With the fear of messing up and ruining the perfect pages of my life, I put the pen down, eliminating any chance for error.  I never dated anyone.  Not so much because my standards were too high, but truly because no one asked!!

 Well, one did come along.  Offering the hope of bringing glory to God, I allowed him to pick up the pen and begin to fill the pages of my life with relationship.  Everything was new, everything was fun.  I knew this was what I was meant for – relationship.  Just as the book was meant to be written in.

But then my fears were met with reality.  Mistakes were made.  Spelling errors, changes in the colors of ink.  The relationship didn’t meet my untouchable standards.  My spotless pages had been written on with profound, yet now meaningless words.  The value of me was lessened.  Ruined.  I couldn’t go back and recapture my pure spotless life. Now there was hurt and stain on the pages.  What went wrong?

Then Jesus spoke to me.  “Live by my standards, not your own.  Use my gifts with the intentions that I give them, don’t create your own unattainable reality.  If you experience the gift of relationship that I give you, in your humanness it won’t be perfect.  BUT – I’ve given you grace to live through and I can take any error and bring glory to myself through it.  Don’t be afraid to allow people to write on the pages of your life, to love you, to know you.  I’ll protect you and I’ll extend grace at any needed moment.

 Don’t waste life with empty pages, so afraid of making a mistake.  Experiencing grace is one of the most wonderful joys in life and the sweetness of it usually comes through sorrow.  Here is life.  Here are relationships!  Enjoy!  Bring glory to me through them.  Use them as I’ve intended.”

I learned so much through my dating relationship with Roger and God transformed me in great ways.  Although the break up was seemingly unfounded, I had peace about it and trusted that God knew what He was doing.  It was a tough pill to swallow.  A broken heart.  But God, in His master craftsmanship, rebuilt my broken heart and made it like new.