Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Redeeming Love - Chapter 12

A summer romance series, chronicling my love story
The days and weeks after Roger broke up with me once and for all were more difficult than I would have imagined.  I had been through break ups with him before.  But this time was different.  This time there was a reason – I didn’t play as big of a role in his life as he played in mine.  He didn’t love me nearly as much as I loved him.  I was devastated.  I was broken.
 The days of moving on turned into weeks and the weeks into months.  I was limping along and feeling more and more confused about many aspects of my life.  Most of all, I was confused about God.  I had prayed, I sought His wisdom regarding Roger, and I felt that He was leading us back together – so why didn’t it work?  One cold morning I got in my car and started driving North.  I had always gone up in the mountains by my childhood home to talk with God when I was growing up.  I knew I needed to get to those mountains, specifically to “my rock” and talk to God.
 I sat in the car with my Bible and journal, it was freezing outside and too harsh for me to sit on my rock.  As I prayed, I boldly asked God what happened?  I felt betrayed.  Then God spoke to me, “I have more for you.  He’s not enough for my girl.  You wanted him so badly, I couldn’t stop you but had to allow you to experience the truth so that you might hear when I say I have more for you.  He’s not the one for my girl.”
He was right.  For 7 years I had been in love with this man.  For 7 years of friendship and on and off again dating, I had my eyes set on him and nothing could change that.  Even his lack of enthusiasm and lack of love for me.  It didn’t matter.  I loved him and that was enough for me.  But not enough for God.
 I left that mountain with great peace and hope.  I made the 5 hour drive back to Southern California where I once again turned my heart over God to heal me, restore me and make all things new in me.  He did that and then some!  Over the next 3 months God made my life radically new by moving me up to Seattle Washington to do college ministry.  There, just as God had spoken to me in the Czech Republic on the mission trip, I would be #2, not #1.  I took the position of Associate Director of University Ministries at University Presbyterian Church and got to work under an amazing man who God used (and still uses) to speak truth and healing into my life. 
I was in a new city.  I had a new job.  I had a new home.  I was making new friends, and God was giving me a new heart.  What an amazing blessing that move was!  Roger knew I had moved away and moved on.  He too had moved on.  After I was in Seattle for about 6 months, he called casually to say hello.  The conversation was awkward to me.  I felt nothing for him.  He, on the other hand, seemed to have a hint of desire in his voice.  I thought it strange and made it clear that I was happy and healed and in a new place.  We didn’t talk again.
Life in Seattle was incredible.  I learned so much about myself and Jesus and Christian community up there.  Friends and family came to visit and we had a blast feasting our eyes on the beauty of God’s creation and filling our stomachs with phenomenal food!  I also loved taking guests to Mariners games - I kinda became a baseball fan!    The first year flew by and I was loving every moment, even the challenges that transition brings turned into blessings. 
And then the letter came.  A 6 page, handwritten letter on beautiful paper.
 It was from Roger. 
I read it. 
I felt sick to my stomach.

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