Wednesday, September 18, 2013

What a Pain in the Breast!

I'll start this post by saying I'm totally fine and all tests came out clear!
As I sat in the ultrasound room yesterday, freezing in my "gown," which let's be honest, it's more like a thin crop top, I was fighting back the tears.
"Oh God, please give me strength to do this and face the results no matter what."
I know God holds me and my future, but I couldn't keep the tears from coming.
As the technitian came in, I might have let out a little snort, trying to suck in my tears.
"OK, since you're 30, we're going to start with the ultrasound and then move you to the mammogram."
"Um, I'm not 30.  I'm 40!," I said, now not crying at all!
"Well, the paper work says you're 30."
"OK.  I'm 30 then,"  I didn't really say that, but I wanted to!  As if the paperwork were correct and I just added 10 years to my life for the fun of it!
Perplexed, she left the room and said she was going to "check on it."
I guess there is a magical age wizard at the Breast Care Center where they determine your real age.
Once again left alone in this room, my mind started spinning.
I know the truth about who God is.
I know that I am not promised health.
I know that God will accompany me and give me the strength I need to walk down any road.
Yet I was scared.
"Whom shall I fear?  I know you've got me.  I do trust you.  So why am I so scared?"
I finally surrendered and just allowed myself to cry, even while trusting God.
I've had pain in my breasts for several months and
 my doctor ordered a diagnostic ultrasound and mammogram. 
(I guess I'm only really writing this because I'm sure 99.9% of my readers are women!)
So the tech came back in and took me to the mammogram first, because it was decided that I am 40!
Um, for everyone who has said, "it's not that bad," REALLY?
If I had pain before, it was about 100 times worse now!
So after all the crushing, groping, contorting and what not I returned to have an ultrasound which was equally unpleasant.
"If you find something when will I find out."
"The doctor will review and compare all the pictures and come in to meet with you in a few minutes."
I was grateful to know that I would have to wait a few days to end this mystery.
I asked her to bring in my husband to wait with me.
As he walked into the room, I once again fell apart.
I wanted with all my might to summon the strength to wait patiently with confidence and peace, but once again, I could not.
Only a few days prior my husband asked me, "Are you scared?"
I honestly said, "No.  If this is meant to be part of my story, then it's part of my story.  I'm not worried.  Come what may, God is present."
A few days and the present reality changed that.
Now as we awaited the results, I pictured myself sitting without mascara running down my face, heart beat steady at resting pace, ready to face any battle ahead of me.  I thought it would make a great story, the next time I spoke to a group - how I trusted God so much that even if the result were cancer, I would not be shaken.
Wouldn't that be cool?
Wouldn't I look holy?
Wouldn't it feel awesome to not be human, but super Daniel like. 
Well, I guess he was human, but you know what I mean.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Smiley and you're totally fine."
Thanks for coming right out with the results rather than being like Ryan Seacrest on American Idol, "And now, the results of your ultrasound and mammogram, the moment you've been waiting for, what will your future hold........................ after the commercial break!
Dr. Smiley explained some things and left.
I fell into my husband's arms and once again cried.
Praise God that everything is fine.
And Praise God that even in my humanness, He is not shaken.
His strength doesn't change.
His promises never fail.
He does not waiver.
Come what may.
PS - no pictures on today's post
you're welcome!


  1. I feel you...100%!! After my "annual" girlie exam last October, my Gyno sent me for the same thing. I had been having a lot of shooting pain, and it freaked me out. So he gave me some comfort explaining that the reason cancer goes undetected for so long is that breast cancer is normally NOT painful... that if I'm having pain, it's probably something else. So as I went for mine, I was a nervous wreck. It's amazing how the devil reeks havoc on your mind in these times.... I have to say that the sense of relief when the Dr and Ultrasound tech said all was clear was a relief I have never felt before! In spite of my Gyno's "reassurance" I was still terrified!

    I am SO VERY GLAD that all is clear with you! God is So good!!



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