Monday, April 4, 2016

Imperfect Moments

This Easter had some imperfect moments that made me laugh.
Like going to church on Easter Sunday and half way there I realize that we didn't do my son's hair - my son's chia pet, thick brisolly hair which requires a good amount of gel to control it!  
Or the Easter decorations never made it up this year 
(but St. Patrick's Day decor remained through March 31st!)  
Or family photos that just can't get to the print-worthy stage!

And those imperfect moments also made me cry.
Cry with gratitude that I'm not who I used to be.
I sat on the toilet in the guest bathroom, large solid wood door closed in front of me.  Just in there to do normal "bathroom" things and I saw a dark knot in the wood of the door and I was immediately overcome with a flood of memories.
"Thank you Jesus for saving me."
"Thank you Jesus for rescuing me."
The words came out of my mouth, through tears, before I could even complete or process the memories that surrounded me as I sat in that bathroom.

I walked into that bathroom on Christmas day, 2011, and begged to be taken to the hospital.  I was in the throws of a severe panic attack and literally felt like I was moments away from going blank.  One more breath and I'd just stop, fade away, blankly stare for the rest of my life.  I didn't fear dying, but rather feared loosing control of my mind and my ability to process and function.  The fear was real as the reality of loosing control was already in full throws.  
I couldn't stop the nightmare.  
No words could comfort or make sense. 
I had no control of what was happening to me.
I felt like I was chasing myself down a never ending hallway, screaming, "STOP STOP STOP."
But I didn't stop.
I couldn't stop.
Now 5 years later, and a different holiday of celebrating, I sat and cried as the dark knots in the wood of the door told me stories that I thought would be the final chapters of my life.
But just as death was not the final word in Jesus' life, anxiety was not the final word in mine!
The same power that rose Jesus from the dead, set me free and changed my life.
"Thank you Jesus for saving me."
"Thank you Jesus for rescuing me."
Those words were so appropriate for this Easter Sunday, for not only did Jesus rescue me from hell when I die, and save me from my past sin, but He rescues me everyday from the hell we all live in and saves me time and again from the mistakes I daily make.
I'm so grateful for imperfect moments as they kindly remind me that perfectionism is a disease of self destruction.  And they also remind me that I've been set free and am grateful for a God who is not shaken nor defeated by ANYTHING.

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