Imperfect Moments

This Easter had some imperfect moments that made me laugh.

Like going to church on Easter Sunday and half way there I realize that we didn't do my son's hair - my son's chia pet, thick brisolly hair which requires a good amount of gel to control it!  

Or the Easter decorations never made it up this year 

(but St. Patrick's Day decor remained through March 31st!)  

Or family photos that just can't get to the print-worthy stage!

And those imperfect moments also made me cry.

Cry with gratitude that I'm not who I used to be.

***

I sat on the toilet in the guest bathroom, large solid wood door closed in front of me.  Just in there to do normal "bathroom" things and I saw a dark knot in the wood of the door and I was immediately overcome with a flood of memories.

"Thank you Jesus for saving me."

"Thank you Jesus for rescuing me."

The words came out of my mouth, through tears, before I could even complete or process the memories that surrounded me as I sat in that bathroom.

I walked into that bathroom on Christmas day, 2011, and begged to be taken to the hospital.  I was in the throws of a severe panic attack and literally felt like I was moments away from going blank.  One more breath and I'd just stop, fade away, blankly stare for the rest of my life.  I didn't fear dying, but rather feared loosing control of my mind and my ability to process and function.  The fear was real as the reality of loosing control was already in full throws.  

I couldn't stop the nightmare.  

No words could comfort or make sense. 

I had no control of what was happening to me.

I felt like I was chasing myself down a never ending hallway, screaming, "STOP STOP STOP."

But I didn't stop.

I couldn't stop.

***

Now 5 years later, and a different holiday of celebrating, I sat and cried as the dark knots in the wood of the door told me stories that I thought would be the final chapters of my life.

But just as death was not the final word in Jesus' life, anxiety was not the final word in mine!

The same power that rose Jesus from the dead, set me free and changed my life.

"Thank you Jesus for saving me."

"Thank you Jesus for rescuing me."

Those words were so appropriate for this Easter Sunday, for not only did Jesus rescue me from hell when I die, and save me from my past sin, but He rescues me everyday from the hell we all live in and saves me time and again from the mistakes I daily make.

I'm so grateful for imperfect moments as they kindly remind me that perfectionism is a disease of self destruction.  And they also remind me that I've been set free and am grateful for a God who is not shaken nor defeated by ANYTHING.

Saturday

After a blogging fast for Lent, I'm back!

The day before Easter, I went to the beach to be still, pray, and prepare my heart for Easter.

"It's the day before Easter.

The day in between.

The day of waiting.

Perhaps the day of the most sorrow.

I think there was a speck of hope on Friday - hope that he still might come off the cross and prove them all wrong.  Hope that he'll actually endure all the suffering and survive it!  But no, he dies.  And now it's the day after and all hope is gone.  He's dead.  There's no reversing time, no matter the desire and will.  He is dead.

So what of all he said?

All he taught?

Was it true?

The frustration, disappointment, anger, complete sorrow - its too much to bear.  How do you move on?  How do you get through?  Will time heal?

Such a hopeless day.

And you try to sleep and hope to wake up from the nightmare - it all wasn't true.

But you wake up and he's still gone.

It is true.

The day of loss.

The day of defeat.

Hopeless.

Death is so final.

The day there was no longer a heartbeat of our 4th baby was so final.  It would no be changed.  And I hoped and I prayed and I wished.  But no, there was no bringing back what had been taken.  The baby was gone.  It was final.  

Such grief.
Such loss.

Such hopelessness.

And I hoped to wake up from the nightmare, but I continued to wake up to the nightmare.

I live on the other side of the miracle of the cross.  I know how the story ends.  I know that tomorrow we'll celebrate Jesus overcoming death and gasping for breath again.

He conquered the grave!

He is ALIVE!

I know that - always have.

That's what makes Saturday no big deal.

I know what's coming!

But Saturday was a big deal.

He could have been crucified, dead, and come back to life a few hours later.

But he didn't.  He was dead - beyond hope.  No trace of life.  And yet hope sprung and life was reborn.

Saturday just might be the most important day of all.

If there wasn't Saturday, Sunday wouldn't be nearly as remarkable and miraculous."

Life is filled with "Saturdays."  The day (or days) in between the suffering and the miracle.

We wait and wait and hope seems to daily fade as the pain and reality overtake us.

Yet Sunday is always there, waiting to bring new life and breathe hope into us once again.

If today is Saturday for you - take heart!  He has overcome the world and Sunday is coming!

Easter Wrap Up

Last night I flew back home with the children.

We spent Easter and most of their Spring Break up in Northern California

with Grammie and Papa, where I grew up.

 

 

It was so nice that on Easter, ALL of my in-laws came to my parents' home for supper.

It's really special to have the whole family together. 

I'm blessed to have really lovely in-laws!

 

 

One little dude was done with photos and just wanted to get on with the egg hunt!

 

 

Our favorite Auntie came!

 

 

And our favorite Uncle Kenny was there too!

(Happy Birthday today brother!  I love you!)

 

Then finally, onto the egg hunt!

 

 

 

There's one!

 

 

Run for it!

 

 

 

Great Uncle Jim came to share some tickles and fun!

And after dinner the Easter Olympics began!

Everyone was down in the yard playing all sorts of games. 

 It was a perfect Spring day after a full night of rain.

 

 

We played a little Corn Hole!  Do you know about this game?

We're in love with the name and the game!

 



 

 

Shuffle Board - where little dude incorporated his own "shuffle"!

 

 

 

Granny and Papa watched and cheered everyone on!

 

  

 

And Ladder Toss!

 

Every time I go up North, I wish we all lived up there, closer to family.

I'm grateful that we're only a 5 hour drive or 50 minute plane ride away, but still I dream of calling my mom at 4pm and asking her and my dad to come for dinner that night!

 

April is a big birthday month for our family.  Today is my brother's birthday!  Followed by my husband, my mother in law and my girls! 

 It will be a full month of celebrating those that we love most!

Our celebrations will begin Monday with a little trip to Mexico to celebrate some major birthdays coming later this year - 40th & 70th (one is mine, can you guess which?!!)

So blogging will continue to be spotty for a few weeks as relaxing on the beach in Cabo begins and party planning takes over!  But  I'll be back on track in May with many updates, recipes, and thoughts on this beautiful life that is almost 40 years old!

 

Enjoy your family this weekend!  No matter how close or far you live from them - they are always just a phone call away!!

 



Passover

A few weeks ago I was looking through my favorite magazine  -Everyday Food – and they had some yummy recipes for Passover.  I’ve always loved the story of Passover in the Bible and, to be honest, because I loved the recipes so much, I decided that this year I was going to do a Passover dinner the night before Easter.  The Old Testament story is such a powerful lead in to Jesus dying on the cross and His resurrection and I thought Easter would become much more meaningful to our family if we truly understood the significance of the sacrifice for the forgiveness of our sins.  So a new tradition will start this year with a Passover dinner on Saturday night.

From Exodus 12

¹ The LORD said to Moses and Aaron in Egypt, ² “This month is to be for you the first month, the first month of your year. ³ Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb^[a] for his family, one for each household.

⁵ The animals you choose must be year-old males without defect, and you may take them from the sheep or the goats. ⁶ Take care of them until the fourteenth day of the month, when all the members of the community of Israel must slaughter them at twilight. ⁷ Then they are to take some of the blood and put it on the sides and tops of the doorframes of the houses where they eat the lambs.

¹² “On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn of both people and animals, and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD. ¹³ The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are, and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt.

¹⁴ “This is a day you are to commemorate; for the generations to come you shall celebrate it as a festival to the LORD—a lasting ordinance.

²¹ Then Moses summoned all the elders of Israel and said to them, “Go at once and select the animals for your families and slaughter the Passover lamb. ²² Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it into the blood in the basin and put some of the blood on the top and on both sides of the doorframe. None of you shall go out of the door of your house until morning. ²³ When the LORD goes through the land to strike down the Egyptians, he will see the blood on the top and sides of the doorframe and will pass over that doorway, and he will not permit the destroyer to enter your houses and strike you down.

²⁴ “Obey these instructions as a lasting ordinance for you and your descendants. ²⁵ When you enter the land that the LORD will give you as he promised, observe this ceremony. ²⁶ And when your children ask you, ‘What does this ceremony mean to you?’ ²⁷ then tell them, ‘It is the Passover sacrifice to the LORD, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.’” Then the people bowed down and worshiped. ²⁸ The Israelites did just what the LORD commanded Moses and Aaron.

Here is a little peek at what I’m cooking up!  Click on the picture to go to the recipes.

 

Braised Brisket

Matzo Toffee

Coconut Macaroon

He Is Risen!

He Is Risen Indeed!