A Dream Life

My Aunt came into town for one quick day and brought with her piles of my Grandmother's recipes!

But she also brought something that I hardly have the words to describe.

It is a notebook that my Grandmother filled every page, in detail, 

with all of her dreams for a perfect life. 

House, furniture, dishes, clothing for every season, food, table linens, baby clothes, nursery plans...

everything is spelled out in vivid detail, including precisely cut out pictures from magazines.

Not one of the pictures has a frayed edge.

There are no ripples from the glue she used!

Her cursive writing with a liquid ink pen is beautiful and without mistake.

The whole book is remarkable.

We read through this book, shocked at the painstaking detail, "2 red bracelets on one arm," to be worn with the blue dot dress.

We're guessing she wrote this book sometime in the late 1930's, before she was married or had children because who would have time for such a thing with a new baby!!!

The pages tell of a young girl's dream for an ideal life.

They allow for a peek into one girl's hopes and wishes of exactly what her life should look like.

The pages intrigued me.

They caused me to laugh at the once esteemed fashions.

And they made me cry.

My Grandmother's life was not at all this dreamy.

I've learned things of her life that are far too personal to share, but I know with confidence they were never part of her "Perfect Honeymoon" or life.

***

Last Friday, my husband and I celebrated our 11th anniversary.

I posted a picture of us going out with the caption:

"This is what 20 years looks like.  9 years of dreaming, wishing, hoping... 11 years of living the dream! (And digging our heels in!)

For 9 years, since the day I saw this man, I dreamed of him.

We dated off an on (mostly off!), but no matter what our status, I dreamed of him.

And in my dreams, I only saw the good things, the great things, the perfect things.

I romanticised his faults and to me, he was my ideal.

After our final break-up, and when I finally dreamed of him no more, that was when he crept back into my life and wooed me and pursued me. 

 This time I saw his faults, and chose to marry him anyway.

It's been 11 years.

There have been many moments that I would have never eloquently written about in a book with perfectly pasted pictures.  There have been many season that were dreadful and more like nightmares than dreams.

But in these 11 years I've slowly thrown out the pages of my book that held impossible dreams, unattainable perfections, and unrealistic hopes.

I've settled into the truth of forgiveness and redemption and how, only by God's grace and mercy, I can say that I love this man with all of my heart and come what may, I'm going to dig my heels in and fight to keep my vows.

True love is about seeing someone, with all their faults and flaws, and choosing to love them anyway.

It's a choice.

I'm grateful that he still chooses me!

Recipes

This past weekend I received a very special gift.

My Aunt from Illinois came down to my house for a day while she was on her California visit and she brought piles and piles of my Grandmother's recipes.

Pure gold spilled out all over our coffee table!

I was beside myself and almost didn't want to crack open the large manila envelopes filled with numbers and ingredients and generations of stories, because the anticipation was almost as delicious as what was inside.

As I poured over the recipes, I'd ask my Aunt questions, "do you remember your mom making this?  what exactly is 'oleo'?  do you make these recipes?"  

It was so much fun to hear the stories that these old recipe cards brought up.

Stories of holidays, potlucks, birthdays, reunions, Sunday afternoon fudge!

As I found the noodle recipe, I told my own memory of Grandma coming to visit and making homemade noodles with beef for supper. 

 I was excited at the thought of trying to tackle these noodles now myself!

How I wish my Grandma Jones was still here to ask guiding questions.

Recipes are like guides.

They give specific details, but what if you don't know what a "butter size walnut" is!  Or what about "sweet milk" and "sour milk"?  It would be so nice to have someone around to ask these questions, someone who has made these recipes and knows the answers to my questions.

Grandma's well worn Bread Recipe that she used for loaves and for her famous cinnamon rolls.  The rolls that have eluded me for many years!!!  I would give anything to have just one more day with her to teach me how to make her decadent cinnamon rolls.

But without her, I continue to try on my own, try new things, add things, take away others, just trying to recapture that one memory filled bite of Grandma's heart and soul.

I'm excited to pour through these recipes and get cooking!

I'm sure many years of trial and error lie ahead of me, but I'm going to enjoy every moment and the memories that come flooding back along the way!

And PS, how crazy cute is this little Duncan Hines' cook book?

Cute little man in a suit cooking in the kitchen.  

"All-Time Favorite Recipes"  all for 50 cents!!

You Should! Oh No I Shouldn't!

I had a meeting at our church this morning, and as I arrived and saw the parking lot full, I realized that today was the kick-off to the women's Bible study.

As I walked into the church, many women were gathering to meet at the opening session.

I was trying to make my way to the church offices where I was meeting a pastor to chat

 when I heard, 

"Oh hi Raeanne," from a familiar voice.

I turned to see a friend of mine who assumed I was there for the Bible study.

When I asked her if she were there for the study, she said yes and asked, "aren't you?"

"No, I'm not going to do it this year," I replied.

"You should," she said.

In my somewhat feisty and sassy way I told her that, "oh no, I shouldn't!" and told her I know it will be a great study and perhaps I'd join in January, bur for now I'm taking the Fall off.

Now that my children are in school and I have my days open without 3 little people, it would be really easy for me to sign up for all sorts of good things that I would enjoy.

Bible study being one of them!

Bible studies are great.

But I had a sense that I wanted to get back to a place of living my life with intention and not just doing things because they were good and I'd enjoy them.

I want to know down deep in my soul that God has ordained my commitments and that means not diving into anything just because now I have the freedom to.

Some people don't understand that.

The woman I saw today was quick to tell me I "should" do the study!  

But I know what I should do is take a quiet few months to be still and listen.

To step away from the good opportunities around me and wait.

Wait until God stirs my heart and says, "this is the way, walk in it."

Waiting can be hard.

Am I wasting time?

But I believe things must become still.

Very still.

Painfully still, 

in order for me to have the space to truly hear God and be directed by Him.

Even if that means saying no to some good things like women's Bible study for now!

***********

I read Susie Larson's post today on Ann Voskamp's blog and laughed!

"Nothing drains us more 

than signing up for things 

God never asked us to do."

I guess I need to read Susie's new book, "Your Sacred Yes," because she's speaking my language!!

Go read her post!!!

Happy Weekend

Supper Club

It all started last year when I invited a group of women into my home and 

participate in the study of Ann Voskamp's book,

"1000 Gifts."

It was wonderful and the group of women God brought together far exceeded my expectations.

When the study was over, we just couldn't part ways and decided to start a Supper Club and meet once a month to cook, eat and laugh together, centering around Shauna Niequist's book

"Bread And Wine."

Let me just say that the monthly dinners with the Supper Club have nourished me 

in more ways than just one!

This Godly group of women have challenged me, loved me, affirmed me, fed me, prayed for me, 

and given me many reasons to laugh!!

I have to admit, when I first though of asking some women to join me in my home to go through "1000 Gifts," I had a very specific group in mind.  

But one by one, the women I thought would benefit from reading that book, were unable to attend.

And one by one, God spoke a name to me of another group of women who weren't even on my radar!

I wanted to minister to some women around me, 

but God wanted me to be ministered to by some very special women!

We've shared over a dozen meals together and 

I'm so blessed to be part of such a special group of ladies.

I love being surprised by God - when I think I have a good idea, He has a great one!!

James' Favorite Chocolate Chip Cookies

"What are you going to do now that all of your kids are in school?"

As I patiently wait for the answer to this daunting question,

I'm baking cookies!!!

Honestly, these are the BEST Chocolate Chip Cookies I've ever had!

1 1/2 c. butter (3 sticks)

1 1/4 c. sugar

1 1/4 c. packed brown sugar

1 T vanilla

2 eggs

******

4 c. flour

2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp. salt (I just do a dash or 2)

1 pkg. chocolate chips

Mix top 5 ingredients together.

Mix dry ingredients together in separate bowl.

Add dry ingredients to the top 5 and mix just until combined.

Form round dough balls on cookie sheet

Bake 350 degrees for 12-15 minutes.

Then pour glasses of cold milk and wait for the kids to get home from school to enjoy them!   

(if you can wait that long!!)

Stepping Out Into The Unknown

My greatest childhood memories were on the lake.

Every summer we did a lot of water skiing.

A few years back some friends invited us to spend a few days with them on Bass Lake and I immediately was flooded with childhood memories!

The smell of the boat exhaust, lake water, and pine trees - a cocktail of summer!

It was so intoxicating, we've tried to get back up there every summer since!

My greatest highlight of this summer was our trip to the lake!

Tube rides, 2 out of 3 kids up on skies, jumping off the boat, breakfast burritos on the beach, jiffy pop, ice cream, sunsets, Yosemite the list goes on and on!

It was just a fabulous time.

Maybe even our best family vacation ever!

With all the glories of Yosemite and Bass Lake, my favorite part of the trip was an early morning on the beach alone.

Bass Lake holds many memories for me.

Many years ago (20 to be exact!) I came to work as a water ski instructor and boat driver at a Christian Camp by Bass Lake.  I came down on that lake every morning to fuel up the boats and get ready for a day of teaching kids to ski.  I had just graduated from Pepperdine and I didn't have a clue what I was going to do with my life.
On the shore of that lake I prayed and sought direction for my life.
What would I do after camp ended?
Where would I live?
What did God have for my life?
Well, summer camp came to an end and I had no answers.
I was asked to stay on through the Fall for family camps and continue to drive boats.
Great, I bought 2 more months God!  You still have time to reveal your great plan for me!
(because obviously He didn't meet my previous deadline!)
October came and camp was closing up.  My time at the lake was over and I was stepping out into the great unknown without any kind of direction.
I bought a few more days by hanging out with friends I had met; surely God was waiting until the last minute to reveal his grand plan for my life.
Surely I wouldn't drive home with no sense of vision or direction.
But time ran out and in disbelief, I loaded up my car to drive to my parent's house.
As I drove away, I remember pulling off and getting out of my car in the woods.
"You missed it," I yelled as loud as I could.
"What am I supposed to do now?," I yelled even louder into the expanse of pine trees that didn't even tremble at my question.
I just couldn't believe that God hadn't pulled back the curtain even a little bit to show me where to go next.  He was just silent.

***
20 years later, I'm sitting on the shore of Bass Lake, asking God some of the same questions.
What will I do after Summer ends?
What do you have for my life God?
After 2 years of homeschooling, all 3 of my children started school last week.
As Summer came to a close, I was repeatedly asked,
"What are you going to do now that all your children are in school?"
I spent a few moments feeling lost and panicked that I had no plan, no direction.
But luckily those moments were short.
I've learned my lesson.
Over the past 20 years, I've learned that
God is seldom on my time line, but never late!
I think I need to know the next step just before my foot hits the ground, but sometimes God wants me to keep walking, moving forward, with no apparent direction,
but with a blind faith to trust His timing.
In His time, He will guide me and direct me into the next chapter.
For now, I'm taking one more step forward in faith and I can't wait to see where it takes me!

Step Out On Stage

One of our Summer highlights was a theatre production at Camp Grammie & Papa.

Each year I am indulged with a week alone as my folks take the children for an awesome week of camp.

(This year I lost my week alone indulgence to serve as the camp nurse instead -

more on that in a later post!)

On the last day of camp, which happened to be my birthday, we were treated to a wonderful theatre production, 3 productions actually!

Earlier in the week a pile of props were left in the gazebo and the children had the freedom to play dress-up and create their own original plays.
Tickets were sold and we were told, "you must use real money," smart kids!



Concessions were sold as well, again, we had to use "real money"!!

 The stage was set...

The crowd was ready...

And it was showtime!

First up was an original production of Marty Benson

The show was actually really good!  I mean, we've sat through our share of "plays" by the children and after 20 minutes we are shouting, "ok, land the plane!  Bring it on home!" as the plays go on and on and on!  But this one was really thought out and had a nice conclusion!

As they took their bows and everyone applauded wildly!

******

This morning at breakfast, I told the kiddos that exactly one week from today - next Wednesday - they'd be at their first day of school.

At these words, one of my little ones lost her appetite.

She came and found me in the kitchen to tell me that she was a little bit scared to go to school.

I brushed it aside and said, "oh, you'll be fine, it will be great."  

But that didn't settle her.

We sat down and had a more in depth chat and I realized that she truly is scared to go to school.

"what if my tummy hurts?  what if I cry?  what if I don't like it?"

I gently encouraged her to simply try, take the first step, and then we'd see if she liked it.

Often times, waiting in the wings behind the curtain is much scarier than stepping out on stage!
Our imaginations go to the worst case scenario, we speculate, "what if" begins and we can talk ourselves out of an incredible opportunity.
But there are moments in life when you just need to step out on stage.

Those moments that cause your stomach to twist in knots,

moments when your mouth goes dry,

moments when your eyes dart for the nearest bathroom!

In that moment, we are faced with a decision - escape, or step out on stage!
More often than not, stepping out on stage leads to a brilliant, original performance of who you uniquely are and concludes with wild applause.
Step out!
The world needs the unique gift that is you.

One more week until the curtain goes up!

Watching From the Shore

10 days until school starts!

We started our Summer with a little trip up north to visit our Grandparents.
We had a wonderful time hiking in caverns, learning how to make Granny's fried chicken, playing with their dog, and swimming in rivers!

 From the day we arrived, it was hot.
Down south our temps were still mild, so we assumed it would still be cool up north, be we were wrong.  It was like Summer slapped us in the face.

Except the day we went to the river.

All the kids had been talking about was wanting to swim in the river like Daddy did when he was a kid.  There are awesome rocks to climb on and the water is calm... an ocean swimming kid's dream!
We saved the river for last and wouldn't you know we woke up to pouring rain!
The temps dropped about 30 degrees and the rain didn't stop.
There was a little break in the afternoon, so we headed to the river and the children didn't mind the chilly water, they went right in.

I stood on the shore and watched.

I was warm, content and happy to click away at their joy and freedom to explore on their own.
They were so proud of themselves and I could tell they were empowered to venture out into the water, no parents trailing behind them, and indulge their little hearts with adventure.

Truthfully, I didn't really want to go into the water, it was still cloudy and drizzly outside, the water was freezing, and my spot on the shore was just right.

Their swim back from the rocks got a little rough.  The chill of the water was really getting to them and at one point we wondered if we were going to have to go in after the little guy!
But they made it, and didn't stop talking about their swim in the river all the way home.

 We're embarking on a new adventure this year - school!
We decided not to homeschool this year and the children will go back to school in 10 short days.
I feel much like I did standing on the shore of the river.  I'm content to watch them venture out on their own and explore.  I'll be standing by to snap many pictures and cheer them on, only a few strides away in case they need me to step in and help them when the waters get too cold.

They're excited to to swim in new waters and be empowered by the independence.
I'm happy to watch from the shore this time......
especially if me and my girls are rockin' the messy bun!