It Wouldn't Be Perfect

I was doing pretty well all summer, but as what would have been my due date approached, I was a mess again. I kept counting down thinking, “in one more month I would have had a tiny new baby,” then, “in one more week I would have been able to kiss those tiny toes,” and so on. One day I sat and cried with a friend, sharing how perfect the timing would have been to have a new baby in our family in September, “the girls are just starting school, so I’d only have Mack home with the new baby. The girls are so baby crazy right now, how lovely would it be to give them their own real life baby doll to play with?! I’ve always had vision for Macky to grow to be a great leader and I’ve always felt that he should have a younger sibling to lead. It would have been so perfect to head into fall and winter with a new baby to keep cozy, instead of having them in the heat of the summer. How much fun would it have been to have a newborn at Christmas? But if I were to get pregnant now – “ my girlfriend interrupted me. She finished my sentence and said, “it wouldn’t be perfect.” I quickly looked at her, shocked, because she said exactly what I was feeling and I don’t think anyone has said anything so comforting to me throughout this whole miscarriage thing. Most people desperately want to say something to stop the tears, bring hope, or remind me of the blessings I have. But rarely does someone, from the start, “sit in the pit” with you and totally agreed with your pain and not try to explain it away or remove it, but simply confirms it and validates the gut wrenching feelings that rear their ugly head at the most unexpected of times. We both agreed that we don’t think God had something to do with this, or that it was part of his plan or whatever. But that we live in an imperfect world where sometimes “life” just happens. I’ve been surprised at how many posts I’ve recently read by women who’ve lost babies in the past few weeks and months. It’s a club I never wanted to join and don’t wish for anymore to.

          I guess the beauty in the character of God is that he is Redeemer and Restorer and Healer and he makes all things new. I confess that I’m still waiting for all those things in this area of my life. But I am confident that in his timing they will flood over me, they have to, it would go against his nature if they don’t.