Why?

It finally happened and I didn’t really think it would. When my mom was here a few weeks ago to care for us through our miscarriage, in her wisdom, she told me to go to the ocean one day to just be alone to think. I did, and as often happens, I fell asleep right when I got there!  When I woke up, I knew I needed to talk to God about my recent loss and start to process it, but it wasn’t really on my mind, not really bothering me at that moment, so we talked about something different. On my drive home I felt a little like, “shoot, that was my moment to process the miscarriage with God and I really didn’t have anything to say.”
     Today in church we were singing “Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna in the highest..” and I couldn’t hold back my tears. I immediately pictured my baby in heaven, surrounded by angels who were singing “hosanna” in the presence of Jesus. Now I don’t know if the little life we lost is up in heaven right now – we never really solved that debate in my ethics class in seminary – but I do know that in that moment in church I felt so far away from my baby and even though it was ok in the presence of God, I felt helpless and like my baby was abandoned without a Mommy up there. And a huge voice shouted in my head, “WHY?” It finally happened. I asked that big question that I know there is no answer to. The depths of my heart cried out in pain and fear, “WHY?” Why did this happen to me? Why did our pregnancy fail? Why did we get pregnant in the first place if we weren’t going to have a baby? Why?
     When my Doctor told me the news, she hugged me as I cried and I said, “it’s ok. Really, I’m ok. I knew something wasn’t right. It’s ok.” And her response was so perfect. Without hesitation she said, “it’s not ok Raeanne. It sucks. And it’s not ok.” She’s completely right. Yes, I have three beautiful children. But it’s not about them. It’s about the one that I’m missing. It’s about the questions I’ll always have – would we have had a boy or a girl? What would their name have been? How would my children have loved and played with a new sibling? Why?
     I’d like to wrap this up with a pretty bow of solid truth from Scripture that talks about the comfort of the Lord, His peace, or His hope; but the truth is that although the deepest part of me knows those things to be true, it still sucks and I’m wondering why?.