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Monday, February 28, 2011

Blessed Be Your Name

It was the second time I’ve left the hospital without my baby and a Mother should never have to leave the hospital without her baby. The first time was in April, 2006. My husband and I only made it 10 minutes down the freeway before we turned around and went back to the hospital NICU to hold our 4 pound baby girls. The second time was last week and this time we would not be turning around for there was nothing to return to.
     At almost 12 weeks we had a miscarriage and I once again was forced to leave the hospital without my baby. A few days prior when I learned that there was no longer a heartbeat I left in my car and sobbed. My mind was flooded with guilty thoughts, “perhaps it was that night when my children woke me up so many times and I feared having to care for one more. Perhaps it was this day when we found out we were pregnant and had some conflicting emotions about it. Perhaps…” Then out of my mouth with strength and courage I said, “You are the Giver of Life. Not me. You are the Giver of Life. You give and take away. Not me. But I choose to say, blessed be Your name.” Truly my negative thoughts can no more take away life than a positive thought can create it. God is the Creator. He is the Giver of Life.
     Friday I went to the hospital and as I entered the OR I once again was sobbing. The anesthesiologist said to me, “I’m so sorry. The day is sad for you. The whole day is crying for you too.” It poured rain all day and most of the night. Truly, it was as though all of heaven was weeping for all the Mothers who’ve ever had to leave the hospital without their baby.
     We’re left with the same confusing feelings we had the days and weeks that we woke up without our twins who remained in the NICU for 4 weeks. We’re empty. We’re confused. We’re conflicted. We’re heartbroken.
     But I have 3 beautiful, healthy children. Blessed be Your name. I have a loving husband who is walking through the valley with me. Blessed be Your name. I have parents that drove home on Wednesday from a visit here and turned right back around Thursday to come take care of their baby. Blessed be Your name. In September we will not be bringing home a new baby, but my little twins will be starting kindergarten and my husband and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage – September will continue to be a happy month. Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name.
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12 comments:

  1. TaniaFebruary 28, 2011 at 3:49 PM

    There are no words from humans that can truly comfort you in a time like this. I too had a miscarriage; it was between my first and second munchkins so I can empathize.....Thank you Lord that this wonderful lady chooses to still praise your name. Continue to give her your peace and wrap loving arms around her and her husband. I know you will speak to her through this Lord. Thank you that you are the giver of life. Blessed be Your Name.

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  2. Erin M.February 28, 2011 at 6:09 PM

    Praying for you and your sweet family.

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  3. Boni LadyMarch 1, 2011 at 9:58 AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. The only thing that can heal the hurt and help the sorrow is the strength of God and the peace that passes all understanding that only HE can provide! Thank God you have HIM in your life to get you through this rough time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

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  4. MelissaMarch 1, 2011 at 7:41 PM

    Oh Raeanne...I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the hurt and sorrow you must feel for your little one. I will be praying for you and the whole family....with Love, Melissa xoxoxo

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  5. UnknownMarch 2, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. Praise God for your dear family and how faithful He IS!! and always will be.

    I will keep you in my prayers during this time of loss.

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  6. jamieMarch 3, 2011 at 11:49 AM

    i am so sorry for your loss. you are on the Solid Rock and it shows. Thank you for boldly sharing your heart with us. It is an encouragement to many.
    ~j

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  7. mrs.natuMarch 3, 2011 at 3:03 PM

    i am so very sorry. i have been there. i know the pain & loss that goes a long with miscarriages. i will be praying for you & your sweet family.

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  8. LeasaMarch 5, 2011 at 6:31 AM

    I just saw this post and wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. Praying that the peace of God which passes all understanding will comfort you will flood over you like never before and that you, your husband, and kids will have rest and comfort like never before.

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  9. Kristine@thefoleyfamMarch 19, 2011 at 9:13 AM

    Your strength inspires me! Praying for your family. Praying for peace. You are an amazing women and momma! Thank you for being an awesome example!

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  10. CarolJuly 14, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Just stumbled upon this post today and teared up again. I am so sorry for your loss, and I pray that God is continuing to bring you peace and joy. That song always haunts me, because it is so true and reminds me of His great faithfulness.

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  11. JessaDecember 1, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    so painfully beautiful.

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  12. adhuntsmanSeptember 28, 2012 at 6:13 AM

    I know this was more than a year ago, but I just had to comment. I went through this about 12 years ago, too at 10 weeks. It was a baby girl, I know because I could feel her with me the short time she was inside me. It was such an empty feeling when she left. I still think of her in July when she would have been born. I know she is still part of my family. I hope you have found continued peace about your loss. Thank you for sharing.

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