At almost 12 weeks we had a miscarriage and I once again was forced to leave the hospital without my baby. A few days prior when I learned that there was no longer a heartbeat I left in my car and sobbed. My mind was flooded with guilty thoughts, “perhaps it was that night when my children woke me up so many times and I feared having to care for one more. Perhaps it was this day when we found out we were pregnant and had some conflicting emotions about it. Perhaps…” Then out of my mouth with strength and courage I said, “You are the Giver of Life. Not me. You are the Giver of Life. You give and take away. Not me. But I choose to say, blessed be Your name.” Truly my negative thoughts can no more take away life than a positive thought can create it. God is the Creator. He is the Giver of Life.
Friday I went to the hospital and as I entered the OR I once again was sobbing. The anesthesiologist said to me, “I’m so sorry. The day is sad for you. The whole day is crying for you too.” It poured rain all day and most of the night. Truly, it was as though all of heaven was weeping for all the Mothers who’ve ever had to leave the hospital without their baby.
We’re left with the same confusing feelings we had the days and weeks that we woke up without our twins who remained in the NICU for 4 weeks. We’re empty. We’re confused. We’re conflicted. We’re heartbroken.
But I have 3 beautiful, healthy children. Blessed be Your name. I have a loving husband who is walking through the valley with me. Blessed be Your name. I have parents that drove home on Wednesday from a visit here and turned right back around Thursday to come take care of their baby. Blessed be Your name. In September we will not be bringing home a new baby, but my little twins will be starting kindergarten and my husband and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage – September will continue to be a happy month. Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name.